I feel like it's my fault that I'm not ok inside. I've never been ok inside. I'm messed up. I listen to happy songs and cry. Is it wrong to hate my father for leaving me and my mom? Is it wrong that I don't ever want to meet him? I have so many problems. I'm very cautious. I don't like people to know what's really going on. I feel betrayed by everyone. I pick friends who treat me like crap. I pick guys who smoke pot, and hurt me. I procrastinate on my homework, and want to be an actress. I hate my stepdad, because he's worse than having no father figure in the house. The person I consider my best friend uses me, and I'm not ok with it, but at the same time she's my best friend and I help her continuously whether I want to or not. I tried to fit in, but gave up because it wasn't worth the trouble. I feel alone, except when there's a physical pain…a paper cut, an infected ear, wearing heels for too long. The pain makes me happy. It shouldn't be like this. I feel like this all happens because I'm messed up inside. I grew up calling so many different people dad. My grandfather verbally abused me as a child, and because of that I have an eating disorder. Everyone tells me how skinny I am, yet when I look in the mirror, I can see nothing but ugliness, and how fat I am…then the times I look in the mirror and actually feel confident and pretty I start crying…because I'm not ok. I just wish everything could be ok for once. Maybe once I leave this place and go to New York to become an actress I'll be ok.