The f***ing s***heads need to get OFF MY CASE ALREADY. I am not going to any f***ing pool to swim BECAUSE I f***ING HATE WATER AND I DON'T LIKE EXERCISE. PE's gonna be Hell for me in High School. Maybe I should run away just because of that. You see, I have a sexual fetish for fat people and I'm not that big a fan of hard muscle. I hate hard things. My heart's already a rock-I don't need these many f***ing stone's in my life. These awful parents of mine are relentless though. Can't wait for them to just die or something. If my mother dies in the operation, I'm gonna f***ing leave. No doubt about it. I can't stand the rest of my family, and I have a hatred for human society. I'd feel sorry for my friends though, but I need to worry about my needs for once. I'm not happy now, and I CERTAINLY will not be happy if this situation gets any worse. High School…even if I do go, something will probably happen during freshman year that will just make me want to run away AGAIN. Last year I almost killed myself though. Maybe I should have. Who knows. A lot of stuff happened last year that just destroyed me emotionally and spiritually. I don't know whose shoulder I can lean on because know I don't have the ability to trust. I can't say what I feel like, because I can't even feel things on an emotional level. All I know is that this whole mess is not me. I'm sick of this s***. I need to find a place where I am actually needed, I want to be somewhere were people want me and accept me, BUT WHERE I FEEL HAPPY TOO. I have friends who do want me and accept me, but at what cost? To stay and suffer with my friends at that school…We are no better than a bunch of dogs with an abusive master! Eventually dogs run away. At least smart ones do…The foolish ones are the ones who stay to the bitter end. To be so foolish though, I would need the illusion of an emotion that I have never truly felt so I don't feel inclined to stay here. I need to just…I don't know. All I know is that I am USELESS here. I've been society's pawn for a f***ing long time, but I don't consider myself capable of this act anymore. I'm not an actor. I don't care about my grades-a 90 doesn't make me feel better than a 30 on a test. I honestly do not believe in these rules at all-if someone is insulting or harassing me IN ANY way, I believe that I have the right to give them what they're asking for. Believe me, I am not going to put up WITH ANY KIND OF s*** if DO return to school. I'm so tired of these humans. You don't know HOW much I want to go live in a place like Wonderland or something! I AM BEYOND THIS NONSENSE. I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME HERE WITH THIS f***ING s*** THAT I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN. I DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS! I NEVER HAVE AND I PROMISE, I NEVER f***ING WILL. I can see through all of these illusions. I am not blind anymore. I did try seeing the bright side, but it's not even real. I am beyond this. I KNOW I have better things to do than this s***. I do believe that I have a purpose, and I KNOW that that purpose is NOT siting in a desk doing science and algebra. I believe in magic. I believe in an 'other' world that most people are too blind to see. I'm tired of being surrounded by IDIOTS! THAT IS WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE! IDIOTS! I've had quite enough of the close minded fools-AND HOW DARE THEY PRETEND THAT THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT THEY ARE! Have you ever heard of the IB learner profile? Look it up. Read about it. These people here are the complete opposite of the IB learner profile, so I think that it is unreasonable for them to try and force that s*** unto us. You know, YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT DRINK. THESE PEOPLE CAN'T MAKE ME DRINK THIS f***ING URINE-THATS WHAT IT IS——-URINE! I am tired of eating s*** and drinking piss. When am I going to find something that's actually real and true? I'm tired of lies. I have been lied to by so many people that I can't really distinguish a lie from the truth, AND THAT SCARES ME. I don't want to be like these horrible people, that gave into society's will. I would sooner defy it. I would sooner defy society than myself. If I could, I would defy gravity too. But that apparently requires a broom and I don't really know where mine is. Anyway, the point is, I don't want to do this s***. I have my own agenda. I have my own to-do list, and this s*** isn't on there.
MY to-do list is something that I ain't gonna tell to NOBODY. I have the right to keep things to myself, don't I? Oh my goodness…What kind of drug was this 'God' on when he made me? I am a broken human being. I have the inability to FEEL, but apparently everyone else can. Emotions? Please. I have none. I may as well be just some animal or something…at least then I would actually be happy-because everything I would be doing would be to actually survive. I wouldn't be sitting around here wasting time on this stuff that just frustrates me and makes me life a living HELL. Why should I bother controlling myself anymore? If I don't want to do something…I don't think I'm going to do it. I'm not anyone's slave…I should go into the wilds. Maybe hide behind the waterfall…Kill myself with a rock. Or maybe, go in there, but with my books and some food, so that I can entertain myself a little bit before I die. Seriously, I don't feel like I was born into the right body. Maybe if that whole reincarnation s*** is true, I might actually become something that I actually want to be. This pretty little face is worthless to me if it is not free. And I'm not…I don't feel like I belong to myself. I wouldn't care if I died in my sleep, at least that way I would get out of this mess. I feel like I'm in the Hunger Games or something, but I don't want to try! I don't wanna kill nobody! That's another thing-what most people call 'success' is gained by crushing the hopes and dreams of another, and I'm not going to do that because I can't hope,, and all the dreams I get at night are nightmares. Honestly, I want my prince charming to come and save me. I'm a guy but I still want my prince charming to come and find me. I'm f***ing gay, and proud of it. I want my prince to come and take me away to his castle so we can just be happy and live our happily ever after. I want the story of my life to either get to the f***ing plot already, or for it to just end. Enough of this awful drama! I'm just not up to it. Society will have no trouble replacing me. They can find themselves another f***ing slave…I want to prioritize MY needs for once…I'm so sick of this s***...If I DO go to high school, I know that I'll never feel happy. Before I leave for the trip in which I plan to run away in, I'm going to say good-bye to three total people:
One of my friends
And this horse I know
That's it. After I say good-bye to them…SEE-YA! AND I WOULDN'T WANNA f***ING BE YA! I'm tired of all the drama these humans keep putting into my life. I want to get to the f***ing point already…I'm tired of pretending that I'm actually OK with all of this…Maybe I'll give high school a chance…But no more than one. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. The best thing would be to run away during this summer though, and skip all of the hurt and pain. Because you know what? As I wrote those essays and did those math problems, it PAINED me that I was wasting time on them than ob what was actually real. If I had emotions, I bet I would be crying right now, but I stopped being able to cry A LONG time ago. Why am I such a s***?
Anyway, there's more stuff influencing my decision. I recently got this tarot card reading about this whole situation, and you know what it said? It said that I would do one of two things: go into yet ANOTHER illusion, or create a grave mistake. This could go both ways though. I am SO confused. I wish that I had some guidance…Not my parents though. They're too dumb. I wish I had a brother or something that I could talk to and share my feelings with. I wish that I had a REAL shoulder to cry on. I wish that my prince charming was here. What's taking him so DAMN long? I might be only 13 but I have issues too! I want someone to help me…But I can't even trust…I've lost that ability…I have been destroyed…I'm broken…But all of the pieces are gone now…Nobody ever picked them up…I'm tired…I'm bored…I'm in pain…I have seen through all of these illusions…I'm glad I did though. To live such a lie…No. Just NO. I don't think so. You know what I think would describe me, that scene in Disney's Cinderella where Cinderella was all dressed up and ready to go to the ball but those two bitches tore up her dress and her hopes. I'm about to run into the garden…I need a fairy godmother at this point. The things that the fairies have seen…Oh the poor creatures…Oh well. I'm not the fairy godmother, I f***ing Cinderella. But I am tired of cleaning up all of this s***. I honestly feel sorry for the people I would leave behind but…Someday…I'll find the open door…and walk through it…and follow the road into the woods…and never come out. I'm not as foolish as Cinderella though. I would NEVER have left the prince in the middle of the night. Who would do that? When I find my prince charming, I'm not going to abandon him. You know, once I heard a quote:
"Die as a hero or live to become a villain"
I'm not going to be a villain. I honestly believe I should just take my leave, and die. Wherever I end up, whether it is hell or heaven…at least I would not be here. I don't really want to die though, I just want to live somewhere where I feel GOOD, and here I don't…My future…Its not bright. Not to me…To me its dark. And as time goes on, I see it getting darker and darker. What light at the end of the tunnel? This is nothing but an endless cave! This isn't me…I was meant for this stuff. I'm tired of pretending that I am.