I’m alright until silence rings in. It’s when the night falls onto every corner and there is nothing to light it up again. It’s when I lay my head on that shallow, tear catching pillow that I realize how alone I am. Truly alone. No one there to fight for the covers; the absence of cold toes brushing my warm calf; the air still from lack of heavy breathing next to me, showing the sign that someone is present. I don’t have memories to count as I ease into the deep REM sleep. I have no one. I am alone. It is a sad thought really. We all are born alone, and we all die alone. There is no partnership at either end of the tunnel, yet, throughout our journey, the only goal is to in fact find someone to share the ride with. With some, they find the sparkle when they are young tots who grow into teenage love and become high school sweethearts who fade away from one other, but always end up back together at the end. Then they are others who wait until they are in their thirties, and go on that awkward blind date set up by their best friend, in hopes to meet the one. Then there are people like me; with the highest of hopes and aspirations that there is true love out there for everyone. The people who go to bed every night thankful for what they have, but just want to share with their achievements with another, even just for a moment. People like me are idiots. We wear our pathetic heart dangling on the rim of our pants, dragging it through every dirt puddle and parking lot scene. We go day by day in hopes of finding that one special someone. The one that will change and fix everything. We envision the moment when we lock eyes with the mate; the world stops turning, a clichéd romantic orchestra plays in the background while a faint breeze carries the scent of Fate, but in reality that is all a bunch of hokum. People like me never experience that moment because it is not realistic. We somehow angered Fate and will forever be stuck in Her chamber of torture. She teases us with flings or one night stands. Those people who tug on the heart strings and make you think that love may actually be real and that it may be okay to let your guard down, well then She comes along and, snip snip, that person all of a sudden does not care anymore. You were a toy and they are now done playing with you, so you shall be placed in the bottom of the toy box, out of sight and out of mind. Eventually forgotten.
Love is an annoying thing really. It takes up too much time. You have to constantly be in contact with the other. There is no just doing what you want; you must have approval at all times. But, if the other side does not constantly checkup, then you become paranoid. “Why aren't they asking what I am doing?” “Have they another mate?” “That’s it, I’m practically single.” You can’t win for losing. Everything then becomes a competition. Who can love the most, who buys the other more gifts, who remembers the exact time in which you met? It is a bunch of bull. There is no need for all of that. Love makes everyone insecure, dumbfounded and illiterate. Yet, love is the only thing anyone is truly searching for. Love is what holds the frayed seams together. It is the ungodly amount of glue that seaps through each piece in order to hold the puzzle together. Love is not just a casual thing, it is a necessity in life that we all need to survive. The amount of love one has decides their fate. From marital license to ranking in the status quo- love is key.
That’s when I know I am alone. When the curtains are drawn and my inner desire for that companionship crawls from under the bed and wraps my mind. All of my thoughts swarm me causing for insecurities and faults to rise to wretched warts on the dermis. It causes for me to hate myself more than I ever could imagine. As the tears rush down my face, all I have on my mind is that one simple word. The word we all want to hear one day, no matter how strong. We would all go to the ends of the universe just hear one of creature whisper softly into our ears, “I love you.”