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About Nyx:

Nothing here... :-(

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Life's driving me insane.

I swear to GOD I'm about to explode.

I'M SICK OF THIS. On the 31st, night of Halloween.. I had nothing better to do other than wait until my family left the house with my younger brother to take him trick or treating and to a mini golf so I could walk around the house like some f***ing idiot yelling at God. Yes, at GOD.

IS THERE EVEN A GOD? I'm sick of feeling so threatened just because I want to question it. Why would he bring us here? Why does he do this? I DON'T GIVE A f*** IF HE HAS TO GO THROUGH WITH THE FREE WILL s***. What's the POINT if everything is always going to be some sort of hell? I mean, seriously, isn't it obvious it's horrible enough that we actually believe Earth is hell itself? That some of us have considered the possibility of this being our punishment?... THEN WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS, HM?!

I kept going from bitching and whining about life to being grateful that I'm not suffering from some horrible disease, that I have all my limbs, that my life is pretty much perfect when it comes to materialistic things and health. So, why the hell would you bitch?.. WELL, YA KNOW, I MAY HAVE ALL OF THIS. But do you have any idea how it feels to know that every time you try hard to get friends in 'real life' you realize they're just all a bunch of f***ing brainless MONKEYS?.... Or, no, better yet – You accept the fact that you have odd tastes and then it turns out that, those idiots you worked so hard to get to call friends just want you because 'oh, she has a bunch of video games' ... 'Look at that big collection of movies! We should ask her for some and just leave without even inviting her to watch it'.

Seriously, man. How difficult is it to find a place to f***ing fit in?.. At some point, I settled myself for having online friends because I've known these people for 3 f***ing years. Because out of all the people around me, THEY were the ones picking me up when I was a mess, the ones talking to me for hours while I was lost and didn't know what the f*** else to do apart from bawl my eyes out. But what? Of course, the distance. THE f***ING DISTANCE. "Don't worry, just 3 more years to survive online for you to meet them ….. Risking the possibility, of course, that things might not be as you thought they'd be and you realize you wasted those years keeping a friendship alive that would die as soon as it moved on to 'real life'."

Is it even much? It's not like I'm asking God to make me some f***ing billionaire … I'm not praying for some miracle. Okay, yes. Perhaps I'm not helping myself by being locked up in a house all day just expecting a friend to fall from the sky – but how much more am I expected to work? I tried in Colombia and the whole 'movies and video games' happened. I then tried AGAIN when I was 15 but then I realized they'd ignore me and I'd ignore them because you just cannot expect such different people to know what the f*** to talk about. Can you even believe my father admitted that he would rather I'm out drinking, partying and f***ing instead of being safe at home?

Okay, so what if I'm a 'goody-two-shoes' when it comes to alcohol and drugs? Is it such a f***ing crime that I don't have any sort of interest for weed and whiskey? Is it SERIOUSLY just NECESSARY for me to f*** up like that in order to FIT IN…? No, I refuse to change my tastes and my 'morals' just to be able to be a part of a huge group of, like I said before, MONKEYS.

Tsk, I even went all my way to USA... To goddamn Orlando and Miami to see if I could f***ing fit in. I remembered that my childhood had been amazing, full of friends… Unfortunately, it was like descending a level more in hell. It was the worst year of my entire f***ing life and I really f***ing hope I never set foot in that piece of s*** land. Discrimination, aggression, screaming, cussing, drugs EVERYWHERE.

f*** that.

There's about nothing anyone can say to cheer me the f*** up right now. Because, you know what.. Those 'little things' in life ain't f***ing enough. Not those and NOT the big ones. What's the point of becoming a professional, getting a family and all that other s*** if you're going to die before ever feeling accomplished?.. In fact, you spend the first 18-20 years of your life preparing yourself for LIFE.. Then you spend the next 20-30 'making it happen'.. And then you grow old and half the time you didn't accomplish what you wanted, and when you did, then what? You have like 20-30 years MORE ahead that slowly begin to go downhill because health, beauty and HOPE starts to f***ing disappear.

I've always told people to not see life as the 'big picture' because really, that doesn't f***ing help. The only thing you'll see is Grow up > get a family/a job > continue to work on those two until you get old and DIE. Sometimes you live a sad, lonely and disappointing life while trying hard to accomplish everything— And then? Then you disappear and suddenly the entire world realizes how amazing you were, the genius they had in their hands but let fade.. Or artist or whatever the f*** the person is.

But what for anymore? He's in hell, heaven or just GONE. So who the hell gives a f*** anymore.

..I wouldn't waste my life trying to work to come up with something to save humanity from dying or horrible pain if I would die when I finally find the solution AND I wouldn't even be here. I wouldn't even be THANKED for that goddamn matter. 'Cause lemme ask you something, how many people can you name that have made a change in the world? Excluding the ones you learn just because you constantly hear them in school and on the tv? ... In other words, who invented the bed? The tv? The radio? .. Cars?.. HOUSES...? FORKS, SPOONS?! No one knows and they made a huge change.

So, no. That is not in my list of goals and accomplishments, f*** humanity. It's not like I even believe we should survive – Everything'd be a lot easier if we could just get the hell out of this planet and go to heaven, to paradise. But nah, that's too surreal. In fact, THIS IS ALL too unreal. How the hell can this be true? ..

One of the thoughts that most scares me s***less is the fact that, yeah I came to the world complete and into a perfect family with wealth and love. But who is to say that in the future I won't lose my baby brother, who means the entire world to me..? Like my mom. Hers got killed right beside her in their car while they were going to a rodeo. She also tried to commit suicide.. Her sister was abused by my grandfather because he wasn't her real dad and he felt he had the f***ing right to do it because my grandmother had been so poor she didn't know what shoes were until she was 17.. But he had fallen for her and made her rich since he had money.

He treated her like s***, too, though.

So, there's a 50-50 chance that I'll have some f***ed up and terrible life like my mom and some of her relatives .. Or I'll have a boring and meaningless life as my older sister and brother have. Jeez, isn't that just great?..

...I've had the urge to talk to someone, someone I know and I can count on. I wanted to tell this all to my grandmother or my mother.. My uncle, my brother – ANYONE. I just want to be f***ing heard by someone that I can count on won't just make it worse because they had a sucky day and just feel like making it worse for me. I need something that's going to remind me why the hell is this all worth?.. Because I'm getting to my f***ing limit and I swear to God, my life is based on forcing myself to sleep as much as it's possible so maybe next time I wake up, I'll be 80 and just a day away from dying a natural death and finally end all this s***.

Without pissing my pants 'cause 'maybe I'll go to hell because I pissed God off'.

And for what it's worth, I'm done thinking that I'm arguing and 'whining' for idiotic stuff. No, I'm sorry, but this isn't idiotic. Not for me it's not and that, my friend, is enough. You don't have the right to rub it in my face that there are kids in Africa who are starving because you know what? IT'S NOT MY f***ING FAULT EITHER. AND IF I COULD CHANGE IT, I f***ING WOULD.

.. I'd change A LOT from this piece of s*** world we live in.

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 1 month ago. Viewed 40 times.

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+6

"The nice guy" - "Friend Zone"

Those are two 'expressions' that I've been finding a lot lately: Nice guy and Friend zone.

The view I've always had of men is pretty general. At first, I defended them 100%. "Women are so complicated and bitchy" ... "They're too difficult to understand" .. "They need to lighten up" because my mother and my sister would be real asses to their husbands over really idiotic things. In fact, jokes that made me burst out laughing would usually end up in them rolling their eyes.

Maybe it was all the negative (and constant) opinions I heard about men or how things turned out to be for my sister and mother when their husbands rebelled against them and they both ended up divorced, but at some point along the way I lose my faith in them. I began seeing those friendly and admirable people, that I actually WANTED to be like, as some disgusting and idiotic creatures. Inferior to me.

At some point, I realized I was part of the stupid stereotype of "women fall for bad boys" .. Every nice and hyper guy from shows, animes, anything.. They'd annoy the hell out of me. But the bad guys? Ah, they were an inspiration. Whether it was me being attracted to them as a woman or wanting to be like them. (Yeah, long story.)

I can't not analyze things and it annoys me to not understand or not be sure about certain subjects. Like men. It became such an 'obsession' that whenever I watched a romance movie or anything to do with love, I'd wonder if it was even possible that they could be as heartless and shallow as they all SEEM to be.

But, it's impossible. They're humans, aren't they? They also have feelings, they just can't be the way movies and even THEY say they are, the way they portray themselves as.

Instead of being completely hypnotized by the men in movies and the romances, how 'magical' and all that.. I kept trying to picture a guy being like them. Sweet,caring, HUMAN.

Now, some time ago, I saw a guy was ranting about how he had been after this girl since they were in high school and she was a total idiot and ignored him, how they always put the nice and sweet guys in the friend zone. It makes us women sound so stupid and blind— And you know, perhaps we are. But I agree with the ones that had commented, it's not good enough JUST being nice. You have to have qualities that the girl is looking for.. We all have our 'tastes'.

But, no, that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm not even sure what "THAT" was.. I just know that it feels as if I just suddenly entered a whole new 'phase' where these two words are going to be relevant at some point.. Nice guy and Friend zone.

It's confusing. I don't think men understand that they're not the only ones puzzled by us women.. In fact, the entire battle of the sexes is plainly annoying and bothersome. Why can't we go a single day without pointing fingers and highlighting how "complicated" and "dramatic" women are.. Just like how "perverted" and "shallow" some men are.

It'd be nice to, for once, have equality— COMPLETE equality. No damn stereotypes that make everything so difficult… As if no one had gender and you had to actually get to know the person to see if you like him or her.

But, I guess I'm just another one of the thousands of people out there saying this, for the who-knows-what time … And it's not ever going to change, is it?

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 2 months ago. Viewed 772 times.

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+1

Coincidences

Coincidence.. You know, I noticed something today. (I really wish I had written this when I was in my 'thinking' mood instead of wasting my time in other things, rawr.)

One of the funny (yet pretty much useless) coincidences began some months ago. I was role playing with my girlfriend and I needed a good song to keep me alert and creative.. So I began looking for random songs on youtube which led me to this specific one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hDI6gbk7l0

It was a great remix, I loved it. But the song reminded me of something. Have you ever had that feeling? When you realize that something's really familiar yet you don't even know from where?.. I ended up listening to the actual song of Lilium and realized it was from this anime called Elfen Lied. All my friends from some years back had watched it, in fact, they wouldn't shut up about how gory it was.

I ended up watching the anime. See, but it's a funny yet useless coincidence.. Unless somehow an anime is going to make some huge change in my life later on. But, no. I doubt it.

Anyway, here comes the OTHER coincidence, which I have a feeling is actually going to bring something along with it.

I've been playing L4D on my laptop, so I was in a really L4D-ish mood but I couldn't play because my brother has been busy with this other game that I don't like and well, playing alone isn't all that great. I don't even remember why, but I began searching for random Hunter pictures on DeviantArt… And one thing led to the other and somehow, I ended up reading a fanfic.

I used to be a yaoi fan, a HUGE yaoi fan.. I even wrote stories and I got actually really good feedback. But, since none of the people I role played with liked yaoi, I eventually got over it. So much that I began to dislike it yet again.. Now, this fanfic for some reason really got my attention. It was f***ing amazing, I just really loved the way it was written and the characters in it. (I would share the link but I'm paranoid perhaps the artist will some day read this, haha.)

Anyhow, I read all of the 'chapters' she had written (I just realized I'm not even 100% it's a girl. But I'm pretty, PRETTY sure.. Yet another reason to not give the link) and 'subscribed' to her. Now, while I was looking for more of her SmokerxHunter fanfics, I saw a picture of Gamzee and found it extremely funny (and irritating) how famous Homestuck seemed to be getting lately.

You see, that friend I ranted about a long time ago, she is into Homestuck and ended up getting me half ass into it. The only reason I never actually really read the comic, is because I f***ing hate how little I can actually understand when the author starts talking with those weird terms. But as soon as I saw Gamzee, I got into a Homestuck-ish mood.

I have this friend that role plays with me, I usually don't give her much time because I'm not really used to her kind of role play. Actually, I feel pretty much uncomfortable and unimpressed when role playing with anyone other than my girlfriend. Though, in my opinion, it's completely understandable. I've known her for nearly 4 years and most of them we've spent them role playing.. So she knows what I like, how I like it and I don't have to explain myself for her. We basically 'created' each other's style of rp.

But my girlfriend and I have been role playing the SAME one almost all these years and I really wanted to try Homestuck, which if I attempted with her, it would be as awkward as if I role played with anyone else but what I'm used to— THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I hate having to explain myself and how I role play, etc, to other people. Not to mention all the hours you waste on the role play just to realize the person isn't even that into it.

Anyhow…. I asked this friend of mine (in a really sneaky way, of course. Without me having to actually 'ask') if she wanted to role play, and so we did. This was a great practice because I haven' role played sticking to an actual character in a long, long time. The last time I did, I was either Kakuzu or Hidan.. Or Deidara.

So, I began to do 'research' while attempting to role play as her. I read a couple of comics and stories about Karkat to see how he spoke and the way he was.. And so, I managed to try and be him. According to her, I did a really great job— But, yeah, I'm not so sure unless I hear it from someone that I can actually trust on giving me tips.

After a while of role playing and me being actually really excited about being Karkat, I went to DeviantArt to check my messages. Why? Well, it's a habit of mine, I guess.

Now, this is when the whole coincidence thing kicks in.

This girl I'm now 'stalking' asked in a journal if anyone was interested in role playing Homestuck because she wanted to, but she has the same exact problem as I do.. I do not know much about the actual story. So, if I was to successfully role play it, it would have to be something involving the characters but not the whole game and dream thing they got going on.

Now, why is this a coincidence? Simple. It makes no sense why in the world I would randomly look for fanfics of a ZOMBIE GAME.. End up reading an AMAZING yaoi fanfic that sucked me into the whole yaoi thing AGAIN, having everything I actually look forward in fanfics AND then when I start to actually 'follow' the person on dA she mentions she's interested in RP.

Did I mention how much of an addict to role play I am?.. It's the closest thing I get to being a writer while getting feedback but not having to worry about the plot nor the ending because half my job is being done by another person. f***, that's like writer paradise.

This little coincidence can go three ways. Really f***ing well, terribly wrong or I just over-thought it too much and in some months I'll realize nothing actually happened.. (Which is usually what happens when I try to 'predict' life)

It could go really well because she's a writer (sorta) and I could learn from her plus gain a new role play buddy which I wouldn't mind having. It could go really wrong because she sounds a LOT like that friend I bitched about in my other rants AND she likes Homestuck. I'm not trying to stereotype here, but they can be pretty harsh people half the time.

OR..

It could go really 'nothing' and just end up in us never role playing because I will not be the first one to ask and she might just 'move on' and find some other rp buddy.. Or we role play for some time and I realize I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. (<- Happens a lot)

I'm pretty sure I'll end up not talking to her.. Ah, God. Why do I always find people that seem to be intimidating and touchy like Krys. It's like I'm condemned to put up with those that others are too .. Well, I mean, would — GAH. They're just too straight forward and .. Harsh. AND REGARDLESS of how HARD I try, I always end up being the submissive IDIOT. Rawr.

.. So, yeah. Jesus, I missed analyzing s*** like this.. Though I doubt anyone will ever read this, but I don't even care- I needed to write down my thoughts somewhere. It's funny, I bet 95% (if not more) of the people that read this will immediately think that it's how every girl things, analyzing and over thinking everything.

But, not really. I just don't really have anything else to do at this time.

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 2 months ago. Viewed 58 times.

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An old friend

I've been re-reading the last email Krys ever sent to me. I guess I sort of triggered it on my own; putting on songs that I could relate to, stalking her DeviantArt again.

The story with her is pretty screwed up. She and I.. Sort of clicked from the beginning; you know? When you meet someone that just seems to be "made" for you. We understood each other so perfect, complemented one another nearly completely— It was really amazing.

She used to be happy, she used to be positive and .. I felt so safe around her. I would get so impatient about talking to her, being with her.. And hours went by so extremely quick whenever she was around. For once, I wasn't the only one staying up awake. She was one of the few that actually was able to hold up all those hours without sleeping.. She understood how it felt to be prideful, that it did hurt; that it IS difficult to handle.

I remember we were into "KakuHida" back then. She was exactly like Kakuzu.. Well, she TURNED into him at the end. I was always like Hidan.. Clinging onto her, needy; loud— Yes, by "Kakuzu" and "Hidan" I mean the ones in the fanfic.

Her words echo in my head every now-and-then, specially lately.

"I was playing the bad guy. I thought that's what you liked."

Conversations we had, moments that I cherished a lot at some point during our harsh story. I cannot believe something so amazing only lasted a year, which only part of it was truly "us". The other was either the stages we'd go through or .. The relationship and EVERYTHING going downhill.

It feels like it's been so much more than just a small, simple and fragile year.

Anyhow.. At the time, her dad was being a jerk; he would constantly bother her and keep her from being online. We had a perfect group of friends even though we didn't even speak to them. It was enough just having them there with us, while she and I sort of sank into our own conversation; feeling rather … Well, in my case, I felt like some sort of parent. Sitting there with her, just watching over "the little ones".

When you find someone like that, it's really special. I loved the way she'd always be honest and say things as they were.. No matter what, I could always count on her being honest. Knowing I didn't have to 'chase' after the truth made me feel such a huge relief.. I felt so "free".

I also enjoyed the way she always had an interesting subject to talk about, something to teach me; always giving me something to think about.

However, things began changing. I guess there's no surprise there.. Silly me not remembering things that are too good to be true usually ARE. She fell into a deep depression and I don't think I'll ever understand the motives of it. It changed her completely.. From cheerful, positive; energetic and talkative.. She became this serious, closed up, mean person.

I remained by her though we lost all of our friends. And as I always do, I made the mistake of devoting myself a bit TOO much.. I just gave her everything I had, let her do and undo whatever she pleased. I guess my mistake was to try and make her happy by just giving, giving and giving.. Being too scared to actually speak to her— In my head, she always was superior. She was .. "Scary" because I felt so much less than her. Because I knew her mood was rather easy to swing and I didn't want to lose her.

So, I never took the time.. I never got the courage to do something as simple as:

"Krys, are you feeling okay? Want to talk about it?"

No. I just.. Sat there wondering what was wrong, trying to understand why did it feel like I was stuck in that movie. "First 50 dates" .. Constantly having to win her over and over. (We were dating twice during the whole problem) ...But just as I finally felt like I had the old her back, after hours of busting my arse off; she'd have to go. Then boom.. Would just leave me there hating the way the day had turned out.

It's funny how lack of communication and balls can do to you.

We had.. "Stages" in our relationship. We gave them names..

"The first time" we would refer to as the first time we stopped talking. Why?.. Well, shortly after I began dating her, which was half ass forced by our friends that sort of pressured her into it. They all knew we liked each other.. In fact, I had pretty much given myself away; being faithful to someone that wasn't even mine yet. I'm telling you, I have obsession problems— Anyway, she ended up asking me out.

But you see, I don't think I ever actually realized how much of a bad idea it was to put two people so alike in some things yet so different in others; together. Both of us being prideful meant it was difficult to .. 'Show' our affection. I lowered my pride and it would make me feel less, but .. I don't know. It's not easy to explain the way we were.

I guess we 'got off' on picking on each other. We'd bicker and argue for the hell of it.. We'd have fun, I'd love it whenever she pretended to be an ass or some sort of abusive girlfriend. I couldn't give a damn about how "ukey" (Yaoi fans can understand what 'uke' is) or little I looked. I felt controlled, held down.. And in a weird and sick way, I always enjoyed it.

Most of the time, we didn't really seem like in a relationship. We'd usually just talk and be ourselves, nothing too smoochy; too touchy. In fact, the only times we "kissed" were during … Random role play moments we'd have, where I'd attempt to get her as my 'Hidan' because I knew she hates men, I knew she wouldn't be easy to convince nor get her to like me. I felt confident, more sure of myself.. It made me feel like I could have more guts if I was a guy. Because as a guy, I had no pride, I wasn't sentimental— Gah, it's weird; I know.

But it does affect.

Anyhow, when we got into that forced relationship, she kept her distance and I was extremely clingy. I'm pretty sure I lost myself somewhere along the way, because I acted ways I had never in my life even IMAGINED myself as. Right now, thinking back; I feel like a total moron. It's embarrassing how .. Girly and dependent I became. How prideless and obviously needy I was of her.

Her father broke her computer and her sister didn't allow her on her computer, so we stopped talking; for a long time. During that time, I began to get anxious.. I guess I'm just.. I felt weird. I was depressed and during the time I began to open my eyes and realized the moron I had became. How much I had dropped on my knees and forgot everything I "was".

I broke up with her. Which I HAVE to add, took a LOT of .. Thinking and preparing on my part. I didn't even know how to say it, how to not mess my friendship up.

She did become a bit cold at first, and the irony is .. As soon as I broke up with her, she was going to tell me that she had spoken to her dad. That's when one of our first "quotes" popped up…

"We have the worst timing ever."

We got back on our feet after I believe a month of not talking. Things pretty much went back to the same, us talking; having fun— Except she had changed and even MORE this time. Instead of pushing me away and being distant, she had .. Became "dark". She spoke about things that were on her mind and opened herself up.

Look, honestly, I've always been a 'goody-two-shoes' .. I don't like drugs, not even pot and I don't enjoy alcohol. I'm not a fan of going to parties and being nuts. It's just not something that ever really went with me, I suppose because I dealt with it in my family and all that.

She was/is. She's more crazy.. Like she said once, there are two types of people: Those that learn by doing and those that watch others and learn by them. I was the second and she was the first.. She has the need to explore, experience.. Meanwhile I try to just avoid those kinds of things and learn by seeing what effect it has on others.

So, yes, the whole .. The way she'd speak when talking about the fun times she had, about how being high was so amazing; the times she had with her friends among other things, weren't a walk in the park for me. It took me a while to get used to it .. I dreaded it at first. I felt weird, I didn't know what to answer.. But I did get better at it. I DID try to understand she's different than I am and I couldn't and WOULDN'T ask her to change those things about her.

It's what made her the person I adored and got along with. But I couldn't help but to see her sink into all of that.. And the image I had of her before was getting blurred and changed by this new her, that told me things like that I was a "monkey" and she was a "human". That .. Jesus, just so many things.

The way she spoke made me feel like she looked down on me. As if I was less than her, like she saw me as some sort of .. Sad moron crawling through life or something. But what most pissed me off, was the way she was taking me for granted.

I recall once, she had just ranted for a while about her life, her day, something like that. It was rather late at night, after 2am; I had a headache and I was doing my very best to not fall asleep and try to pay attention to everything she was saying.

And then, after she finished her rant, she just went offline. The next day all she had to say was:

"Sorry, I was just too lazy to say goodbye."

Another day she left in the middle of our conversation to go to a friend's house and sleep there.. And OTHER times, she'd just say "I'll brb real quick" and take hours just to get back and apologize.

"I got caught up playing piano" she'd say.

When you see someone that means so much to you take you THAT much for granted, it f***ing hurts. So I backed off. I decided to let HER feel how it was to be left aside like that..I wanted her to understand how much it hurt when she'd just get back with excuses like "I was playing with Hida (Her sister's nickname) video games" .. While I would give her all my time.

I found a way.. World of Warcraft. I became obsessed and believe me, whenever I 'get into' that game.. I SERIOUSLY just forget the whole world. But I knew that if I could hear the messenger beep, I'd have the urge to answer. So I would lower the volume, put it on full screen and ignore everyone.

After some time of that, I also became really distant and as cold as I could be with her.

Until she snapped.

It was on December .. She just.. Gosh. She's confusing at times, you barely understand what she's saying because she contradicts herself or makes it feel like she's just saying half of what was on her mind. I understand why she'd do that, I have the same exact thing whenever I feel prideful or have the need to close up or anything.

But, at the end of our conversation, this was basically what she said.. In a summary.

"I do this a lot, I act like a jerk and then I'll apologize and be really nice. But once you apologize and I get bored of you, I'll do it again. It's a cycle .. And it's not going to end."

So I asked her if she meant what I thought— That I was just entertainment. And she said yes. She even spoke about our relationship as if it had been something completely meaningless.

"I don't remember when the f*** I met you or whatever— "

It hurts to hear that, you know?

Here. This is a piece of our conversation.

Achtung! says (2:41 AM): *you didn't really care that it was me that was talking to you..? *like it was just like… *"didi" or "hina" or "kei" *was talking to youm ***you *that it was like, nothing "different" anymore, *like I was no different *and sooooooAchtung! says (2:42 AM): *that's why and where the whole *"I don't even think she deserves my time anymore" *BUT, *It was bothering me more than it seemed to be bothering you *because you had something to fall back to (wow) and I was running out of things to do *and nothing to destress withAchtung! says (2:43 AM): *soooooooo that's why I decided to talk to you that day *and … hm, yeah *I think that's pretty much it. *........is that any somewhat more clear..? .__.

..

Achtung! says (3:12 AM): *I'd block you again for another few days *being a complete selfish coward *and when I finally get bored enough, *then I'll unblock you *and try to make you feel bad, and ask again *"Are we still friends"Achtung! says (3:13 AM): *or "are you mad at me" *or *"should I apologize" *and I can hardly see the light right now, *Due to the depth that I'm in – in this hole I'm digging for myself ._.'Achtung! says (3:14 AM): *(but hey, at least I'm honest)

She tried to (and basically did) convince me that she had used me as entertainment and nothing had meant a s*** to her.

I was hurt for quite some time, felt really bad, I guess it was one of those moments that I'll always think back on as one of those big depressions after a harsh punch in the face.

I couldn't say much to her.. In fact, I didn't even insult her or do anything mean. I just.. Sort of said goodbye and that was it. It bugged me .. Until I logged into her IMVU account and sent her messages to her. I was pretty mean, I guess, I tried to wound her as she had hurt me.

After that, we began exchanging some emails.. Mainly just talking things out. Her saying that she didn't actually mean all of those things and that she didn't even really understand why she had done that. And, I quote, "I just wanted to get a thrill by breaking you down".

She also called me weak, because "I knew you would eventually write to me".

We became friends again.. But soon enough, I just erased and blocked her. She hadn't really done anything bad, I just knew she was having the urge to hurt me again. So I decided to cut her off before she'd do anything.. And this time, she seemed to really regret it. She had written journals in DeviantArt throughout the whole time we didn't talk.. And she sent me several emails.

At the end, I did try to talk to her again.. But I just couldn't. I tried had but you know, I don't think I'm able to forgive that. It still annoys me, it still hurts me— I still miss her. Which is why I am doing this today, writing this here… To a bunch of strangers who probably don't care and won't read. But I needed to remind myself … That it's not as I remember it.

It's funny how we forget what reality is like and just cling onto whatever illusion or image we have of the person and the relationship. We forget the bad things of it .. And sometimes; we forget the good.

I had the urge a while back, before beginning to write this post, to speak to her again. I wanted to .. Send a message to her though I didn't even know what I wanted to say. And you see, this is weird.. I want to be around her but whenever I picture myself actually talking to her; I feel rejection in me, I don't want it.

Even though I was so pissed, so hurt and all that, I never got around rubbing it in her face or being an actual jerk towards her. And some days ago, I couldn't help but to hate the thought that; whatever I had taught her would be forgotten soon. Because it hurts for some time but then it disappears, just like everything else.. And you forget and make the same mistakes all over again. Whatever promises you made to better yourself are forgotten as soon as you numb out the pain.

I hated to think that her lack of posting on DeviantArt meant that she was going back to whatever had changed her in the first place. Then she wrote again, and to add even more irony; she wrote about me. It was something simple, she just admitted to be thinking about me still.

"Three was always a crowd with us" got to me.

I .. Felt happy to know she hadn't seem to go back to her "bad" self again. That she didn't hate me, that..She still remembered me as much as I seem to be remembering her lately.

So this post is to all the memories Krys and I made during that time. All the things I learned; everything that hurt and everything that felt so damn right. I don't regret it.. Though I do wish things had ended differently.. I do wish I could suddenly tell her about the astrology site I found because I remember she was into it the last weeks we spoke.

But things are what they are as we are who we are.. And I know very well that whatever beautiful friendship and relationship we had back then is all a bunch of ashes and memories now.

Still, it was worth reminiscing.

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 3 months ago. Viewed 42 times.

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Hormones?

Well, I suppose this will be my new place to share my thoughts in considering there's no use in posting in my blog if there is no one left to read it.

Lately, I've been having lots of moods swings and I've been ten times more emotional than I usually am. I found it funny at first, all the sudden changes; the urges, the random— Oh sure, NOW my girlfriend comes online. Tskkk… Anyway, as I was saying. The random and sudden mood swings… I thought perhaps it's because— And I know this is going to sound ridiculous — but perhaps it's because .. I'm turning 18?

I don't know. It's just a thought, it's just .. It's been some time now since I'm feeling so damn fragile. Though it's not that I'm depressed. Movies just get to me easier; I get teary eyed by silly stories, etc. Those sorts of things.

Rose won't let me concentrate, so I will finish this post here.. For now.

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 3 months ago. Viewed 27 times.

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This is it.

Okay, I'm at the point right now where I just don't want anything that anyone is offering. I need to talk about all the things in my head and.. Just letting whoever might someday read this, it's going to be a looonnnggg rant. Believe me, I'm good at over-writing.

Let's start off my introducing myself real quick. I am currently 17 years old and in a single month, I'll be turning 18. Believe me, you might think this is just another rant more from just ANOTHER depressed teenager. And it probably is. I'm possibly just sitting back and thinking my problem is bigger than it actually is— Which is why I need to let it out somewhere, I need to write it down; to HEAR it from myself and see just what I can do about it.

My life is not what .. It's not "normal" and I just KNOW a ton of people are going to believe this is bulls*** because, who could not go to school ever since they're 12 and have no problems with their parents for it? Just sit down and hear me out. Believe me, I wouldn't be sitting here and writing this out if I just wanted to say lies.

I'm from Colombia, believe it or not. I moved to USA when I was around 3 years old and have spend half and half my life here and there. When I was 8, however, I moved back from USA to Colombia because my grandfather on my mom's side, was about to die and we wanted to spend his last months with him.

Now, life was a complete disaster for me from then on.. Because Colombia's different from USA. And no, it is NOT what people imagine. We do not sell drugs, we do not sleep in trees; we do not look like indians. The only difference is that here, they're a bit less open-minded and they have different traditions that are just not what I was used to.

Spanish is a difficult language, maybe not THE most difficult one; but definitely not the easiest either. I would get mocked and bothered about my pronunciation and my lack of .. "Knowledge" when it came to talking in spanish and all that. I couldn't even spell "Azul" (blue) correctly. And no, that's not the point why I'm here; I'm just giving in details.

Anyhow, my grandfather died and we moved to another house; one which I had lived in when I was a child. It belonged to my older brother's father .. Who died and gave it to him through his Will. From then on, I began going to school.. And the real hell began.

For a Colombian, I'm a tall girl. 5'8'' .. And back then, I was the tallest girl in my class and, sometimes, THE tallest in my class. So as you can imagine, they constantly bugged me for it. "Godzilla" ... "Eiffel Tower" etc. Because of the constant picking and bothering, I began to act out and become a tomboy (not that I already wasn't a complete boy) .. I began pushing the guys back, kicking them; punching them…

Now I am aware that it wasn't exactly the best solution. But there was this kid in my class, his name was Milthon.. He was the "KING" before I got there. Everyone feared him because he was the tough guy that'd beat people up and be a total jerk. But the first day I met him and he walked up to me trying to be tough and bitchy, I simply got up and stared down at him while I raised my eye brow trying to look intimidating so he'd back off.

It was probably one of the worst mistakes.

Okay, so perhaps I didn't get shoved to the ground, kicked, bruised or anything like it. It wasn't THAT extreme.. It was just the fact that him and another tall kid from the other class would constantly see me as some sort of "other dude" and punch my arm, kick the football directly to my stomach; trip me, etc. And since I began to do it back, it became some sort of "game" to them that actually frightened the hell out of me. I was only 10 or 11 at the time.

I didn't really have any friends during the years of school, because I've always had different interests than them. While they were thinking about video games and the girls (which I never got along with either) were thinking and spying on boys; I was busy thinking about the zodiac signs, angels, god, (No, I am not a religious person) ... Anything I found interesting and actually worth thinking about. That included animes as well..

So the only couple of 'friends' I had, were just kids that would come over and play with the xbox or my Gamecube then bail again when it was finished. It's not that we didn't get along, it's not that they didn't like me or I didn't like them. We did, we could spend a nice time together.. I just didn't really ever feel interested in anything they had to offer and it seemed unfair to me that I would have to always be the one to sit down and listen to them, play their games and see life THEIR way while they'd just shrug off that I was actually bored.

Again, not that I DON'T like video games. I just also enjoyed and still do, a nice chat every now-and-then.

Things didn't get better. Girls would call me a lesbian because I only hung out with boys and boys would.. Well, be boys. I didn't quite "fit in" .. So I would drift off into my own world and ignore everything else around me.In fact, I was so constantly lost in my own head; thinking and being distracted, that they told mom that they needed to take me to the doctor and gt my ears checked. They thought I just couldn't hear them.

I nearly failed the years I studied in that school, I always had to stay the two or three extra weeks after school was over to pick my grades up and not lose the year. I'm not quite sure if that's the way it works in USA, but here people RARELY fail a year in school because they WILL make you make up for whatever you didn't finish and all that.

I was miserable, I was sad, lonely and annoyed. Constantly ranting my problems to my grandma, who'd just sit there with me for hours and hours; talking to me and listening to my problems as well as my mom every now-and-then.

At home, I was also having "family crisis" ... Mom and dad had been fighting a lot lately because they would drink and then start to argue. My sister was visiting us and staying for some time because she was pregnant back then.. So her husband stayed with us, too. Dad and Douglas (my ex brother-in-law) began acting out on mom and my dad. They fought, they'd go to parties or not come home till late at night saying that they had gotten caught up working.. Because they all worked in the same business back then. Running a small park for children and parents to go to.

It had all the things I didn't like. Cows, chickens, ponies .. Etc. All kinds of animals that I didn't appreciate because after living in USA for the most part of my life, I had been brought here to Colombia and then dragged around every weekend to a farm I hated. It smelled weird, had animals making noises at all hours of the morning and most of the night and not to mention the BUNCH of bugs .. Including Scorpions, spiders, mosquitos. Everything.

For a kid that's not used to it and doesn't quite appreciate it, it just meant going to hell every weekend.

The fights ended in the obvious divorce.. But in the wrong date. Just a day before my birthday, September 23rd; dad just didn't come home. Mom was in her room crying about the fight and how they would get divorced.. And the next day was probably the worst birthday I have had. Awkward family reunion with mom, my dad and grandma while my little brother Sebastian was too little to even understand what was going on.

I felt hopeful dad would return eventually, and mom did go to his house and plead for hours that he would; but he never did. It's been 5 years already.

Shortly after, about a month or two; dad got a new girlfriend. Her name is Johanna and she still is with him.. We consider she is his wife now. Because of that, mom began saying that dad had always had a girlfriend and that it was the real reason why he had left her.. So she decided to move with us to another city: Bogota, the capital of Colombia.

My brother Jp lived there already and I was actually pretty excited about the change of weather because it would be cold and rainy instead of hot and disgustingly sunny.

Once I moved, I didn't go to school anymore. First, it was because we had no money. You see, in Colombia, it's not free like in United States.. And if you want to go to a decent school; you'll pay quite a lot. Mom was having financial problems back then, so I didn't go.. And when I COULD go, I didn't pass the exam I had to pass in order to be accepted in the school. Because I didn't have tutoring, because I never paid attention in school and because I had forgotten everything I had learned the previous year. Now, I'm going to be honest. I know my mom made a mistake by leaving me without education for so, so long. I've gone to school only a SINGLE year since I was 12.

Anyhow, since I didn't go to school and I usually lived in a building, I had no friends. No way of having "human contact" with other children and since I was already a shy girl; I decided to just stay home and bound with my little brother.

He is 6 years younger than me.. But we rarely really fought. Since it was just him, me and mom; we would depend on each other a lot to stay entertained, stay happy and not feel lonely. We developed a huge and really amazing relationship, being able to talk to each other freely; me sitting down with him and playing with our toys for hours or video games while "role playing" as if we were the characters of the television.

I always enjoyed making stories and he would enjoy watching them unravel as we played with dolls and stuffed animals.We would stay up hours and hours playing and just simply having fun, no obligations; no nothing.

But I was still depressed. I missed my dad, mom was drinking a lot and I began to miss my friends.. I read not long ago in a diary entry I made once, this phrase that left me thinking.

"I know I always complained about my friends and I'm sorry God. I promise not to if you give them back"

How naive, huh?..

..At some point, I found this program called "BearShare" where you could download music people would put up and chat with other people. I never had interest in chatting with strangers because I was completely paranoid and scared about what would happen if I actually did. The constant image of pedophiles and murders trying to get me to leave the house so they could rape and kill me, was enough for me to stay away.

One day, however, this guy from the same city as me, sent me a message. I asked mom permission before speaking to him and she told me to be very careful; and so I was.

We began talking for some time and it didn't take long before I had created a messenger account for myself and added all of the friends I had finally got. It was my only way of having contact with people that were around my age, that felt the same way I felt; spoke the same things I was interested in.

Basically, so this doesn't end up too extremely long, I ended up dating Juan David. We spent 5 months talking through messenger and the phone, for hours and hours. Things would actually get pretty boring because, at some point, you would start running out of things to talk about. So, we met.

He was really handsome, we dated and began meeting each other more and more often.. But it never changed from my house. We'd be in my condo and walk around the football field or in the small gathering place the neighborhood had, but I never accepted to go out on a date with him and never got the chance to go to his house.

My relationship with Jd was a complete mess. He wanted and needed too much love and I felt weird giving it. I didn't like calling him "Honey" or .. "Love" and specially not things like "Baby". I didn't feel comfortable saying I loved him first nor calling him myself until he called me or told me to call him. So he continued to pressure me until I ended up actually doing some of those things but yet it wasn't enough.

He'd visit me.. And we'd make out. I wasn't exactly into it most of the time, I didn't quite enjoy how he'd always have the urge to hold me or stay too close. We are who we are, right? I had the right to not want to be too .. Touched.

While my relationship was completely failing with him, I was fighting with my father every day through the phone. Because he hated that I wasn't going to school, he didn't like that I spent all my night awake on the computer chatting with strangers and he DESPISED the thought of me being bisexual; which I had found out long after I turned 13.

The fights got so intense that he and I no longer talk over the phone, because it pisses me off. Because we do not and never will agree.. So for some years now, the only contact we have; is through Facebook, sending each other messages.

There were two things happening in my life at the time, one on the internet; and the other in real life.

Internet: I had just found this program called "Second Life", a virtual world where I would get to interact with people. I did. I spent some time claiming I was 24 years old and taking the identity of my sister Michelle.. I met a lot of people and .. Did a lot of things because I was 'curious'. Yes, I cybered with 20+ old men because I wanted to know what it was like; how life as an adult felt. Thanks to that, I got also the chance to remember English and learn again how to write properly.

In real life.. I eventually broke up about thee times with JD until we finally got to make it forever. After the first time, he became "emo" .. Which is the first time ever that I knew what it was. We got back together because he came over and showed me a mark on his arm of a heart he had carved on his skin. The wound wasn't deep; it was just as if he had poked at his skin enough to irritate it and leave a temporary "tattoo" ..

It still freaked me out, I still felt extremely guilty and so; I got back together with him. However, nothing really important happened, we broke up, I stopped talking to dad on the phone, mom continued to drink a bit TOO much.. And I was beginning to become distant from Sebastian. Though it wasn't entirely, we still hung out and all, but I spent most of my time on the computer.

Now, some time later, I got sick and tired of Second Life because it seemed like no one there was ever happy. If it wasn't work, it was love, it was their children; financial situation, etc. I was too little to want to hear all those problems and have to come up with (or at least try to) ideas on how they could get through their problems or cheer them up.

So, I moved on to "IMVU". Another virtual world but made for people that were my age. From then on what I would call "life", begun.

At the age of 13/14, everything in your life is dramatic. Every small problem seems like it has the power to bring your life into pieces and leave nothing of it. You over react to everything, exaggerate when it comes to feelings and get disappointed pretty easily. That's exactly what happened to me.

I had a couple of friends there for some time and began seeing cosplayers and hearing about animes. Naruto, Inuyasha, Death Note; you name it. In order to "fit in", I had to learn about them, understand them, watch them… And to be honest, I really love animes.

Now, in the virtual world; there were small groups people would make and role play as the characters of the show. The very first group I was in, was about "Akatsuki" .. Which are the bad guys in Naruto, though I did not know that. So, I played along with them and began learning about the characters and the story.

These are some things that make me feel like certain things happen for a reason. Why? Because I didn't understand about the anime, I had only watched a couple of episodes. They didn't role play, the 'leader' was always offline and the only single thing that was important about it, is that I met two guys: Keith and Scott.

It wasn't long before they became my "IMVU brothers" .. I became specially close to Keith since Scott was usually away. Now, I made a mistake back then.. I left all my friends out and gave all my time to Keith. We spoke from the moment he got back from school at around 1-2 pm till sometimes up to 3am .. Just talking about random things; having small dramas with people we knew, etc.

After some months; I had became totally devoted to him. I adored him and he protected me, made me feel like I was in the right place and at the right time. Unfortunately, mom had planned a little trip to a place called "Cartagena" which is basically an island.. That and "San Andres".

The trip didn't last a week as normal ones do, no. It lasted for a whole month.

Since I was nervous about it, because I knew I wouldn't have any way of contacting him or any of my friends; I told Keith to promise me he wouldn't get another sister nor would he hook up with any girl. I suppose the real reason behind that was a girl that had been after him for some months now, a friend of mine. (Remember I was 13-14, so please understand the ridiculous and pride crushing situation.. )

The month was horrible. As I made it clear before, I hate hot places; I do not enjoy the sun and to be honest .. Being on a beach, seeing the ocean and the sand for every damn day wasn't what I would call a vacation. I didn't want to be there, I had no one to talk to, no internet, no television; NOTHING. Just video games and drunk family members.

My mom, my older brother, older sister, our nephew, Sebastian, my older brother's boyfriend (Yes, he's gay) and I don't remember who else was on the trip. All I know is, they were constantly drunk and I had to babysit while having absolutely nothing to do.

I hated it, despised it.

Not to mention, back then, we didn't know I was lactose intolerant.. So whenever they ordered food; I would spend the night throwing up for hours or going to the bathroom constantly. This issue had begun even since I was in school, and all along; everyone thought it was my way of .. 'Releasing stress'. I was even sent to the school psychologist when they thought I was having a breakdown and then called me a liar for 'feeling sick too often'. Yeah, thanks to that month trip; we finally realized that lactose = vomit.

Once I returned, nothing had changed between me and my friends. In fact, I was excited to see that Keith and I were getting along even MORE. Unfortunately, I began getting bored and ended up 'getting married' online to this other dude.. And from then on, Keith randomly ignored me, became distant and was a complete jerk.

I was completely devastated and extremely emotional and depressed.. I turned 15, got a laptop and well; things with Keith never really got any better. Months later I found out that the only reason he had became mean to me was because I had "broken the promise".

I have to say, it's damn immature of him. He was 3 years older than me and still acted like a moron instead of simply telling me it. I felt like a loser and sad, cried and whined for the possible whole next year and barely got over him. I apologized a million times and now-a-days; we do not speak anymore. It's been over a year now.

Anyhow, because of that, I met other people.. And I might make this part short because it is long, dramatic, pride crushing and complicated. I was with a lot of "boyfriends" online, skipped from one to the next within a week, but no relationship ever lasted… Until I met Kei. See, I thought "he" was a boy and turned out to be a girl.. And also my longest relationship so far. (Which might end up in second longest if I survive this month with my girlfriend.. )

The thing is, there was a lot of drama between Rose, Kei and me. I met Rose when I met Cross and Louis.. But back then, they were a small group which … Well.

Rose – In love with Cross.
Cross – Immature moron that hadn't grown up.
Louis – In love with Rose.
Rose – Doesn't love Louis and manipulates them to get what she wants.

What do I mean by manipulating? I mean saying she was her cousin and that 'Hinata' (that was her character and the way we would call her), was committing suicide. I knew it was bulls***, so I told them.. And a few months later, she told us her name was Rose; completely forgetting that was the 'cousin's name.

Anyhow, I ended up getting her kicked out of the group and hated. I then dated Cross and then Louis.. But she returned. Oddly enough, she became my best friend after that; though I still caught her in a lie every now-and-then.. Her claiming to be people in pictures that wasn't her. Silly lies.

Cross, Louis and us stopped talking and left only me and Rose. Shortly after, she invited me to a role play group she had, because we had met through role play .. So I entered.

A guy she liked, Kei, was there. A Naruto and she was Hinata.. She was flirting with him and told me to stay away and not date him. I promised I wouldn't— In fact, I was an evil character that I myself had made up. She was cocky, bitchy, arrogant, prideful.. Screamed and cussed too much. All I wanted was to have fun making people miserable in the rp.. Well, their characters; not the actual people.

Unfortunately, Kei fell for me and a huge drama came up. My friendship with Rose survived, she forgave me. It didn't quite go that well between her and Kei; which stopped talking regardless of how many times I tried to get them to be friends again. Up until this day; they detest each other.

My relationships went from Rose to Kei a couple of times because .. Kei offered love, support, understanding. Rose offered passion, constantly renewed relationship .. And constant role play; which is something I have always loved.

In the end, I chose Rose.

Kei is still in love with me after 3 years..

However, I .. Love Rose a lot and next month will be our 9th month together. I actually skipped a lot.. Like all the people I met when she and I broke up; which is another big ass drama. I also went to United states and had a horrible time there TOO .. But I.. Think I'll skip it and save myself from writing too much. I'm getting tired, it's been over an hour..

Anyway….

I had a friend during that time, Chris. She became my gf for some time, then hurt me and .. Well, she was actually pretty mean. The only subjects she'd talk about would be murder, drugs, cutting … and all of those things I just don't really appreciate.

I lost her as a friend because I couldn't handle being around her after one of the fights we had. She openly admitted to "tearing me apart" on purpose and, I quote, "for my entertainment".

Anyhow, I got a new friend; which was Rose's best friend. Thanks to her, she and I got together again 8 months ago. We became best friends, but for the last 2 months, I have been keeping a wall between her and me … Because I couldn't stand her constant negative conversations. Everything was bad.. At fist we'd speak about lots of subjects, but in the end it was becoming a burden. It was driving me insane, making me feel even more weight than I needed; bringing me down.

Kei .. Well, I've kept her away, too. But because she always makes everything awkward as soon as she obsessively starts talking about our relationship and how much he hates Rose or reminiscing about our past and it makes it awkward.

I did the same mistake I did with Keith: I blocked everyone out, devoting my time to Rose and ONLY her.

There is a single problem:

I adore her, I love her. We get along great, she knows me very well and we've had our rough patches but we've gotten through. Unfortunately, as you might've been able to tell already, I have issues trusting her. Because she constantly pretends to be offline busy while she's making videos and well, it's a long story.

The point is, it's tiring to constantly be checking her FB, her Twitter, DeviantArt and Youtube wanting to know what the hell is she up to. If her computer really broke or if she's saying a lie. If she's really busy or if she was just hanging out with her friends and all that.

And it's not that she's taking time for herself that utterly frustrates me. It's just the simple fact that she lies about it.

So now, I'm pretty much in a dead end. I .. My best friend moved on to real life after a month or two of being lonely and bored. I will not ask her to start coming online again for my sake; I'd rather she just does whatever she feels like doing. Kei left yesterday also because she was frustrated over the same reason: Coming online and not seeing anyone waiting for her.

I'm .. Tired of my girlfriend' behavior and soon enough, next month; she'll be going to school.. Which reduces our time with each other back to only 4 hours a day. It won't hold enough to keep a relationship of long distance through internet, alive.

Those were the only people left I had to talk to, and no, it's not as simple as going to IMVU and getting new ones because .. AS YOU CAN TELL, I have a .. "Different" taste. I like people I relate to and there aren't many that like what I like.

I can't go to school because .. Well, Jp's trying to go to college and Sebastian really needs to go to school. That's two big bills there for mom, plus helping my sis that got divorced and is half ass broke plus MY school? Nah. She always says this year we'll go, and we never do.

It's a lot to explain; I simply feel like I've reached a dead end. But for what it's worth.. I got to tell part of my story and I feel a bit less frustrated. Thank you for listening, and yes, I know. I'm just another whiny teenager.

**As much as I appreciate anyone trying to give me advice, thank you, but no. This isn't the rant of my problems, this was merely me talking about all the things I could think about that annoyed me, that made me feel like I have been trapped. I know that my problem can be solved by "getting a job and paying for school" .. "Going out" .. "Stop being a nerd" yes, I know and appreciate the support. But please keep the comments to yourself; because honestly, my life's a mess, not as bad as it could be and it would be solved with some determination. But you can't run a car if you have no fuel. **

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Nyx ranted 6 years, 3 months ago. Viewed 52 times.

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