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Exes

I'm interested in anyones thoughts on exes in current relationships. I'm in a situation I don't like very much and I'm not sure exactly what to do. I've been seeing this lady since about the start of the year.
When I first kissed her, she went along with it, but then said to me "I can't do this yet". Turns out, she's hung up on her ex, that she broke up with about a year ago. They have been friends for over 20 years, and they had about a 2 and a half year relationship. It sounds like he never returned her feelings, as well as other things. She ended up breaking it off with him. After that indication she wasn't ready, I backed off. Within a week, she had emailed me asking me out to dinner. One thing led to another...and here we are together.
All good, right? Not really. I love this woman quite a lot, and I'm not afraid to say so. She has never said it back, citing that her feelings are confused and she doesn't want to say anything that isn't true, and that because of her mixed up feelings about her ex, she isn't sure where we stand (part of me really thinks that in itself is cause for us to break up, but other parts of our relationship are awesome). We have broken up because of this before, I walked away saying "you figure it out" (and as an aside, I got beaten up by 6 people that night and left with scars etc), and it really broke my heart to do it, but within a few weeks, she was indicating she wanted to be with me.
Recently, we've been getting closer, and that's great, I'm happy with that. She's even done some nice things for me. Only thing is, I've noticed that she's been catching up with her ex more just recently. She assures me that its just a friendship, but I can't help but not like it. This is normal, right?
As an example, I emailed her at work yesterday saying "you wanna hang out tonight?" and she said "Maybe, I'm catching up with jonny but we're just havin a cuppa so it shouldn't take long, I'll call you later". At about 8.30 she was texting me saying "still wana comova?". I was a bit "over it" by then and said "i'll take a raincheck". She seems upset by that.
Is it wrong of me to think that I don't want to play 2nd fiddle to her ex, and that if she leaves me waiting half the night to hear from her while she is with him, that I'll say no?

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MeatPete ranted 8 years, 1 month ago.
Rant viewed 293 times.

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Calai commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

For one, I don't think anyone in a relationship should still be hanging out with their ex.
Two, you're not wrong. I would feel the same way. I would feel hurt if the other person had me waiting half a night to hear back from them just because they were with someone else (eg their ex).

I think you should ask her where she stands on this matter because it seems like you're just the back up guy.... and if that's the case, that really sucks. Sorry. :(

I would move on. I know it's easy to say for an outsider, and it's much more difficult for someone in your position because you have feelings for her. But, it's reality. She doesn't know what she wants. You're second place. Have her come back when she can make up her mind. *sigh* And in that time, who knows? You might find someone who is more deserving of you and who really wants to be with you. :)

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elle commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

I loathe girls who are hung up on the past, they are unable to let go. Or they're lying to themselves that they have moved on. It's a complete waste of time and really poisonous to the true and sincere guys in these relationships.

Early on, she used you to make herself feel better. You were an emotional crutch/rebound, short of not being able to fully move on and look forward in life being with you.

If she couldn't say it back, it is cause for ending it.

The real kicker, shes now in touch with the ex that you know she isn't over; her words mean s*** at this point and her actions speak louder. You're knowingly continuing this so.

1. Grow some balls.
2. Man the f*** up.
3. You're playing second fiddle to her ex, you waited half the night to hear back.
4. You responded when she clearly wanted you to solace her after she probably confided in him, that she still missed him. That is probably what happened and 100% she felt sad because he left again, even "as friends"

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Jasper commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

AGREED.

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anonymous commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

AMEN MAH BROTHA!

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Jasper commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

Is the girl worth it? Is she worth not ever being sure if she sees the relationship as exclusive? Because normally I'd agree with Calai and say that people shouldn't remain friends with their exes, but in this case if they've been friends for 20 years it's going to take a LOT for them to stop hanging out. That's a seriously long time, and an unbreakable bond of friendship.

If I were you I'd leave; you'll never feel 100% comfortable with your relationship.

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anonymous commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

I wouldn't personally get involved with someone if they have feelings towards someone else. To top that off, she's hanging out with her ex with you knowing fully well that she still have feelings for him. She should be COMPLETELY over all her exes before she even consider going out with you. If not, you're just a rebound. People feel lonely after a breakup and they will want to be with someone else as a result to fill that emptiness. I don't think you'd want to be that person they're using for that purpose.

I've dated a guy and talked to him about my ex before. I did admit to him that I truly thought my ex was perfect but timing wasn't right and that's why it didn't work out. Even though I told the guy my ex was perfect, the fact is, I'd never go back to my ex. It's the past and I've been over my ex way before I started dating again. I know I'd never want to consider dating my ex even if I had the choice. If I had the choice between my date and my ex, I know my choice would immediately be my date. That's the kind of situation you want to be in.

Break it off with her. She's not treating you fairly. Don't waste your time. There are other girls who are more worth your while.

A heart can only belong to one person at any given time. Otherwise, it's more like selfish love rather than genuine love.

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anonymous commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

If you even have to talk about it, there is obviously a problem that you are already aware of. How you act upon it will determine your future and how much time is lost in the process.

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MeatPete commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

Thanks for your comments guys. Tend to agree.
As for me growing a set of balls...I assure you, they are present and accounted for! I'm a braver, stronger guy than about 99% of them out there. Doesn't mean you can't end up in a nasty sitch. Clearly, there are aspects to this situation that do work for me, otherwise I wouldn't be in it, and like I said, there are parts of the relationship that are magnificent. This means its not just a case of saying "oh well you are hanging out with your ex, goodbye", as someone pointed out, a 20 year friendship is something that is not easily discarded and I'm not certain at all that it is reasonable to expect that. My issue lies in whether or not I should be putting my foot down about this sort of thing, or if I'm just wasting my breath even doing so.
One thing I've noticed about people giving advice on relationships is that the advice is invariably "leave, you could do much better" etc. Seems like this is part of the problem with a lot of relationships today, people are just too keen to give up.
Whether or not I should is a completely separate matter and could be a cause for argument, but I think its a bit sad that this type of advice is so consistent. I find it quite interesting that no-one came out in her defence, saying "maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt", or anything like that. Not that I'm saying anyone SHOULD, but nonetheless, interesting...(perhaps fuel for another rant)
Thanks again folks.

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elle commented on this rant 8 years, 1 month ago.

You had your doubts to begin with.

We're merely reading a situation on paper with the best of our knowledge, personal experiences, and situations that are much more pervasive within these circumstances. That's all it is.

Fair to note and I do agree, a lot of advice is to move on and find someone better. And that a lot of relationships are keen to giving up (esp. in marriage, with such a high divorce rate).

I don't honestly care if that person was a friend for twenty years or two. Once you cross that line from friendship into relationship, there's a reason why there is a division. You're in the club or you're out. And when you're out, you're out. You're not back in line waiting to get back in. If you get what I mean by that.

Sure, I suppose in some cases, maturity overcomes and a past is water under the bridge. Rare though. And if that is the case, I can't picture them being that close again even as friends. There needs to be some distance otherwise I'd have to be suspicious at the cause/reasons of the break up. Personally, I don't care about past history as if they are ex's, they shouldn't be hanging out together and esp. without you. Why can't you be there? Is there some odd tension, something wrong with that? You are second fiddle already. Granted she did tell you, but it's only setting you up to take a higher fall if worst comes to worst.

No one is going to defend her because we know how she's being true to you not saying it back. She doesn't want it to seem like shes leading you on. You guys have awesome moments together.

I don't want you to mistaken you being brave or stronger for a blinding naive fool. Granted, you are no fool because there are aspects to your benefit, but blind and naive? Still a possibility.

Let me ask you this. You tell someone you love them. That person [a significant other] doesn't say it back. Obviously doesn't feel that way. Not grounds for ending it? Playing second fiddle to another person not grounds for ending it?

Btw, I didn't say you could find someone better, but I sure do feel that way. And I stick to my original post regarding this. You didn't mention anything to refute my reasoning in the original post by the way. Logically, its not just feasible but more than likely. I think you know that otherwise you wouldn't have your doubts.

au revoir, I'm done with this one. And you are welcome.