"Close friends"

The only reason why I'm f***ing writing in here is because I really wanna call you out for what you said about me but I know you don't want to hear from me anymore. So here I am.

You said you cared about me but I wasn't a bad person and yet you said you couldn't be there for 'a suicidal person'. You said you really cared and yet you said you were gonna cut me off because it was 'the best for you.' That you didn't pick up my calls even though i 'needed just one person to be there for me cos no one else will'. How dare you. f*** you for saying that. If you felt so overwhelmed for shouldering my problems then why the f*** did you not tell me about it. Why couldn't you tell me to my face and be honest about it. If you did that I would've understood and let you go. But you left me hanging for months and i called you repeatedly like an idiot thinking we were still 'close friends' like you had said. And how the f*** could you say that i relied on you cos no one else was there for me and I was so 'pitiful' I didn't have anyone else. That's not even true, come on! You talked about me like i was some sad dying pathetic dog needed your attention every now and then. Don't you know that the reason why I came to you the most was because I liked you the most? You were the person who knew me inside out. I wasn't looking for your advice or you saving, I know I was a lost cause from the start. I was looking for you to listen to me, just to BE THERE. I don't even care if you hadn't said anything on the phone when i called, I just wanted YOU to be the one who knew what I was going through cos YOU were the one I trusted the most. You said I disregarded our friendship and used you. Get real. Even when I was studying overseas and f***ing broke I made sure to get you a present. It wasn't much but I was close to having nothing left for the month but I thought of you. And every time I was in town I made sure to make time so we could meet up. I never rejected any of your calls. If I didn't f***ing care about you as a friend, I wouldn't have been looking for you in the first place. Don't you see? The whole time I depended on you was because I wanted you there the most. Even if I'm still f***ed up now I just wanted you to get where I was coming from. But you said 'you werent getting anywhere with the friendship so despite our closeness it was time to cut me off'. That's it? Our few years of friendship thrown out of the window by ONE sudden decision from you? What about growing up together in school, all those memories don't they mean something to you?

You keep saying that you cared so much about me and wanted to help me, yet when you were 'cutting me off for good' you knew that all those times I was calling you, I was probably throwing up on pills, f***ing drunk or dying inside in some way and really hurting myself and yet you let the phone ring on? All those times when I still needed you around and I was really f***ed up you just ignored those calls like it didn't matter when you knew I could've killed myself any time back then?? How can someone say they cared and just watch someone go down on a downward spiral and walk away from it like it never happened?? how the f*** can someone say they care but throw me out of their life even when they knew I was f***ing helpless?? you just turned your back and WALKED AWAY.

well if this is it for you this is it for me. when you stared at me yesterday like i was a stranger and acted like i wasn't there, it crushed me. And i'll never forget it.

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the_rant ranted 4 years, 1 month ago.
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