To anyone who reads this, thanks for reading.
Have you ever heard of a 7 minute dream sequence? It's this phenomenon that happens right before you leave the world. Basically before death, your brain has 7 minutes to replay memories in your life all over again. I dunno why but something about that feels nostalgic. It's kinda ironic though that I'm living my life like a 7 minute dream sequence, replaying memories in my head all over again-being stuck in a past that I can't let go of. And I know this is supposed to be a rant but it's gonna turn out more as a confession because it's what I really wanna say to certain people who were in my life but are now gone. And I didn't have the courage to say it back then so I kept it in but I can't...can't take it anymore so I have to write it out somewhere. So here goes nothing:
I'm mad at you and I won't stop being mad at you. You wanna know when I started being pissed? You pissed me off a year ago when I was sobbing at the playground and were sitting at the bench in the dark. I was so done with life and I wanted to end it for real but you wouldn't let me do it. That's why you dragged me out into the park. I still remember being curled up, wrapping my arms around my knees and begging you to let me end it...to put an end to everything. You said you couldn't let me do it because of your responsbility as a friend. And back then I couldn't understand your actions so I was mad about it. The next time I got mad at you was when you disapproved of me falling in love with her. You said it was all a fantasy in my head and it would never amount to anything. I couldn't listen, I couldn't believe you. Because you weren't there when I fell in love with her. I can't recreate that feeling again, the feeling of falling head over heels for someone for the first time. It didn't matter if she doesn't feel the same way, as long as I can be there for her, mean anything to her that's enough for me. And I knew you were right, you were always right about everything but I couldn't heed your advice. And yup, it did end badly. I remember drinking a few beers before spilling story after story to you, calling you up in the late hours to talk about it. But what I'm really mad about is the last phone call we had, where you hung up on me. And I thought I'd stop being mad and you'll stop being mad too and we could patch things up but this time was different. This time you cut me off for real, this time you stopped picking up any future calls. This time you gave up and walked out of my life. And I know I've been a s***ty friend and it's selfish of me to give in to my emotions. I'm sorry. That's all I can say to you. But when I put aside that anger, I finally SEE CLEARLY that the truth is, I was the one who walked out of your life. I was the one who chose to move overseas and leave home. But I couldn't see that, I was naive enough to think that as long as I came back home once every few months, things will still be the same between us. That goes to all my friendships back home. Well now I realised how stupid that was of me to assume that things could be the way they were forever. Eventually people move on, it's part and parcel of life. So I guess you hanging up on me wasn't the end of our friendship. It was the fact that I was miles away and we all lead different lives now. And through time people grow apart. I guess I couldn't see that, couldn't see that each day I was becoming less of the present and more of the past to the people I knew back home. I guess I refused to see that you weren't there anymore...refused to see change.
I can't undo what I've done. But I am coming back home in a few weeks and the past still haunts me. I need to release this burden off and I need you to accept my apology. I don't mean forgiving me, I know that won't happen and even if it did it won't change anything. I just need you to acknowledge my being sorry. Perhaps it won't mean anythign but...I don't know. Because I'm not just sorry for that incident. I'm sorry for the every time you were there and I took it for granted, for not being a better friend and not getting my life back together, for leaving the country even though you told me I shouldn't. Just...sorry for not listening I guess.