not that anyone is gonna read this, i juss need to get it out though.
im trying. it was hard, and then i convinced myself that it was easy. After everything we've been through, and all the complication I figured if I can handle that then I can handle this--again. We're too old and mature for that kid stuff right? we can do this. I keep telling myself that I haven't lost anything, I still have my best friend, but clearly things aren't the same and I juss wish we didn't have to have such strong feelings for each other that we can't go anywhere with because things wouldn't be so complicated. you would be able to have a regular, healthy relationship and I wouldn't make your girlfriend (present one and the last one) feel insecure. I wouldn't be wishing to be them. We wouldn't catch ourselves and try to reconstruct our sentences so that they don't sound certain ways that way we aren't crossing lines.
You say that nothing has to be any different. And we'll still stay best friends forever. And I trust that. We are something special. More than best friends, less than a couple. We've cried together over this. It's brought us to our lowest points. We've stood in the soaking rain, begging our minds for a way to make it work.
I'm trying to juss get past that and be happy with all that we DO have. I'm sorry if sometimes it's hard to fake it. I'm sorry if sometimes I'm not convincing. I know we both know it's still eating us alive but we're both too stubborn to say it. and is saying it worth complicating things again? we've confessed, we've been through it all several times. this is how it has to be and we know it but we hate it and we won't talk about it but it's on both of our minds and I'm so scared that eventually we'll crack and we won't be able to keep what we DO have. i hate the thought of losing you in any way shape or form. Like you told me once, if i wasn't in your life then your life would be pointless even if i couldn't be in it the way you really want. and I have always felt the same way.
I love you papi.