I swear to GOD I'm about to explode.
I'M SICK OF THIS. On the 31st, night of Halloween.. I had nothing better to do other than wait until my family left the house with my younger brother to take him trick or treating and to a mini golf so I could walk around the house like some f***ing idiot yelling at God. Yes, at GOD.
IS THERE EVEN A GOD? I'm sick of feeling so threatened just because I want to question it. Why would he bring us here? Why does he do this? I DON'T GIVE A f*** IF HE HAS TO GO THROUGH WITH THE FREE WILL s***. What's the POINT if everything is always going to be some sort of hell? I mean, seriously, isn't it obvious it's horrible enough that we actually believe Earth is hell itself? That some of us have considered the possibility of this being our punishment?... THEN WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS, HM?!
I kept going from bitching and whining about life to being grateful that I'm not suffering from some horrible disease, that I have all my limbs, that my life is pretty much perfect when it comes to materialistic things and health. So, why the hell would you bitch?.. WELL, YA KNOW, I MAY HAVE ALL OF THIS. But do you have any idea how it feels to know that every time you try hard to get friends in 'real life' you realize they're just all a bunch of f***ing brainless MONKEYS?.... Or, no, better yet - You accept the fact that you have odd tastes and then it turns out that, those idiots you worked so hard to get to call friends just want you because 'oh, she has a bunch of video games' ... 'Look at that big collection of movies! We should ask her for some and just leave without even inviting her to watch it'.
Seriously, man. How difficult is it to find a place to f***ing fit in?.. At some point, I settled myself for having online friends because I've known these people for 3 f***ing years. Because out of all the people around me, THEY were the ones picking me up when I was a mess, the ones talking to me for hours while I was lost and didn't know what the f*** else to do apart from bawl my eyes out. But what? Of course, the distance. THE f***ING DISTANCE. "Don't worry, just 3 more years to survive online for you to meet them ..... Risking the possibility, of course, that things might not be as you thought they'd be and you realize you wasted those years keeping a friendship alive that would die as soon as it moved on to 'real life'."
Is it even much? It's not like I'm asking God to make me some f***ing billionaire ... I'm not praying for some miracle. Okay, yes. Perhaps I'm not helping myself by being locked up in a house all day just expecting a friend to fall from the sky - but how much more am I expected to work? I tried in Colombia and the whole 'movies and video games' happened. I then tried AGAIN when I was 15 but then I realized they'd ignore me and I'd ignore them because you just cannot expect such different people to know what the f*** to talk about. Can you even believe my father admitted that he would rather I'm out drinking, partying and f***ing instead of being safe at home?
Okay, so what if I'm a 'goody-two-shoes' when it comes to alcohol and drugs? Is it such a f***ing crime that I don't have any sort of interest for weed and whiskey? Is it SERIOUSLY just NECESSARY for me to f*** up like that in order to FIT IN...? No, I refuse to change my tastes and my 'morals' just to be able to be a part of a huge group of, like I said before, MONKEYS.
Tsk, I even went all my way to USA... To goddamn Orlando and Miami to see if I could f***ing fit in. I remembered that my childhood had been amazing, full of friends... Unfortunately, it was like descending a level more in hell. It was the worst year of my entire f***ing life and I really f***ing hope I never set foot in that piece of s*** land. Discrimination, aggression, screaming, cussing, drugs EVERYWHERE.
There's about nothing anyone can say to cheer me the f*** up right now. Because, you know what.. Those 'little things' in life ain't f***ing enough. Not those and NOT the big ones. What's the point of becoming a professional, getting a family and all that other s*** if you're going to die before ever feeling accomplished?.. In fact, you spend the first 18-20 years of your life preparing yourself for LIFE.. Then you spend the next 20-30 'making it happen'.. And then you grow old and half the time you didn't accomplish what you wanted, and when you did, then what? You have like 20-30 years MORE ahead that slowly begin to go downhill because health, beauty and HOPE starts to f***ing disappear.
I've always told people to not see life as the 'big picture' because really, that doesn't f***ing help. The only thing you'll see is Grow up > get a family/a job > continue to work on those two until you get old and DIE. Sometimes you live a sad, lonely and disappointing life while trying hard to accomplish everything-- And then? Then you disappear and suddenly the entire world realizes how amazing you were, the genius they had in their hands but let fade.. Or artist or whatever the f*** the person is.
But what for anymore? He's in hell, heaven or just GONE. So who the hell gives a f*** anymore.
..I wouldn't waste my life trying to work to come up with something to save humanity from dying or horrible pain if I would die when I finally find the solution AND I wouldn't even be here. I wouldn't even be THANKED for that goddamn matter. 'Cause lemme ask you something, how many people can you name that have made a change in the world? Excluding the ones you learn just because you constantly hear them in school and on the tv? ... In other words, who invented the bed? The tv? The radio? .. Cars?.. HOUSES...? FORKS, SPOONS?! No one knows and they made a huge change.
So, no. That is not in my list of goals and accomplishments, f*** humanity. It's not like I even believe we should survive - Everything'd be a lot easier if we could just get the hell out of this planet and go to heaven, to paradise. But nah, that's too surreal. In fact, THIS IS ALL too unreal. How the hell can this be true? ..
One of the thoughts that most scares me s***less is the fact that, yeah I came to the world complete and into a perfect family with wealth and love. But who is to say that in the future I won't lose my baby brother, who means the entire world to me..? Like my mom. Hers got killed right beside her in their car while they were going to a rodeo. She also tried to commit suicide.. Her sister was abused by my grandfather because he wasn't her real dad and he felt he had the f***ing right to do it because my grandmother had been so poor she didn't know what shoes were until she was 17.. But he had fallen for her and made her rich since he had money.
He treated her like s***, too, though.
So, there's a 50-50 chance that I'll have some f***ed up and terrible life like my mom and some of her relatives .. Or I'll have a boring and meaningless life as my older sister and brother have. Jeez, isn't that just great?..
...I've had the urge to talk to someone, someone I know and I can count on. I wanted to tell this all to my grandmother or my mother.. My uncle, my brother - ANYONE. I just want to be f***ing heard by someone that I can count on won't just make it worse because they had a sucky day and just feel like making it worse for me. I need something that's going to remind me why the hell is this all worth?.. Because I'm getting to my f***ing limit and I swear to God, my life is based on forcing myself to sleep as much as it's possible so maybe next time I wake up, I'll be 80 and just a day away from dying a natural death and finally end all this s***.
Without pissing my pants 'cause 'maybe I'll go to hell because I pissed God off'.
And for what it's worth, I'm done thinking that I'm arguing and 'whining' for idiotic stuff. No, I'm sorry, but this isn't idiotic. Not for me it's not and that, my friend, is enough. You don't have the right to rub it in my face that there are kids in Africa who are starving because you know what? IT'S NOT MY f***ING FAULT EITHER. AND IF I COULD CHANGE IT, I f***ING WOULD.
.. I'd change A LOT from this piece of s*** world we live in.