I've been re-reading the last email Krys ever sent to me. I guess I sort of triggered it on my own; putting on songs that I could relate to, stalking her DeviantArt again.
The story with her is pretty screwed up. She and I.. Sort of clicked from the beginning; you know? When you meet someone that just seems to be "made" for you. We understood each other so perfect, complemented one another nearly completely— It was really amazing.
She used to be happy, she used to be positive and .. I felt so safe around her. I would get so impatient about talking to her, being with her.. And hours went by so extremely quick whenever she was around. For once, I wasn't the only one staying up awake. She was one of the few that actually was able to hold up all those hours without sleeping.. She understood how it felt to be prideful, that it did hurt; that it IS difficult to handle.
I remember we were into "KakuHida" back then. She was exactly like Kakuzu.. Well, she TURNED into him at the end. I was always like Hidan.. Clinging onto her, needy; loud— Yes, by "Kakuzu" and "Hidan" I mean the ones in the fanfic.
Her words echo in my head every now-and-then, specially lately.
"I was playing the bad guy. I thought that's what you liked."
Conversations we had, moments that I cherished a lot at some point during our harsh story. I cannot believe something so amazing only lasted a year, which only part of it was truly "us". The other was either the stages we'd go through or .. The relationship and EVERYTHING going downhill.
It feels like it's been so much more than just a small, simple and fragile year.
Anyhow.. At the time, her dad was being a jerk; he would constantly bother her and keep her from being online. We had a perfect group of friends even though we didn't even speak to them. It was enough just having them there with us, while she and I sort of sank into our own conversation; feeling rather … Well, in my case, I felt like some sort of parent. Sitting there with her, just watching over "the little ones".
When you find someone like that, it's really special. I loved the way she'd always be honest and say things as they were.. No matter what, I could always count on her being honest. Knowing I didn't have to 'chase' after the truth made me feel such a huge relief.. I felt so "free".
I also enjoyed the way she always had an interesting subject to talk about, something to teach me; always giving me something to think about.
However, things began changing. I guess there's no surprise there.. Silly me not remembering things that are too good to be true usually ARE. She fell into a deep depression and I don't think I'll ever understand the motives of it. It changed her completely.. From cheerful, positive; energetic and talkative.. She became this serious, closed up, mean person.
I remained by her though we lost all of our friends. And as I always do, I made the mistake of devoting myself a bit TOO much.. I just gave her everything I had, let her do and undo whatever she pleased. I guess my mistake was to try and make her happy by just giving, giving and giving.. Being too scared to actually speak to her— In my head, she always was superior. She was .. "Scary" because I felt so much less than her. Because I knew her mood was rather easy to swing and I didn't want to lose her.
So, I never took the time.. I never got the courage to do something as simple as:
"Krys, are you feeling okay? Want to talk about it?"
No. I just.. Sat there wondering what was wrong, trying to understand why did it feel like I was stuck in that movie. "First 50 dates" .. Constantly having to win her over and over. (We were dating twice during the whole problem) ...But just as I finally felt like I had the old her back, after hours of busting my arse off; she'd have to go. Then boom.. Would just leave me there hating the way the day had turned out.
It's funny how lack of communication and balls can do to you.
We had.. "Stages" in our relationship. We gave them names..
"The first time" we would refer to as the first time we stopped talking. Why?.. Well, shortly after I began dating her, which was half ass forced by our friends that sort of pressured her into it. They all knew we liked each other.. In fact, I had pretty much given myself away; being faithful to someone that wasn't even mine yet. I'm telling you, I have obsession problems— Anyway, she ended up asking me out.
But you see, I don't think I ever actually realized how much of a bad idea it was to put two people so alike in some things yet so different in others; together. Both of us being prideful meant it was difficult to .. 'Show' our affection. I lowered my pride and it would make me feel less, but .. I don't know. It's not easy to explain the way we were.
I guess we 'got off' on picking on each other. We'd bicker and argue for the hell of it.. We'd have fun, I'd love it whenever she pretended to be an ass or some sort of abusive girlfriend. I couldn't give a damn about how "ukey" (Yaoi fans can understand what 'uke' is) or little I looked. I felt controlled, held down.. And in a weird and sick way, I always enjoyed it.
Most of the time, we didn't really seem like in a relationship. We'd usually just talk and be ourselves, nothing too smoochy; too touchy. In fact, the only times we "kissed" were during … Random role play moments we'd have, where I'd attempt to get her as my 'Hidan' because I knew she hates men, I knew she wouldn't be easy to convince nor get her to like me. I felt confident, more sure of myself.. It made me feel like I could have more guts if I was a guy. Because as a guy, I had no pride, I wasn't sentimental— Gah, it's weird; I know.
But it does affect.
Anyhow, when we got into that forced relationship, she kept her distance and I was extremely clingy. I'm pretty sure I lost myself somewhere along the way, because I acted ways I had never in my life even IMAGINED myself as. Right now, thinking back; I feel like a total moron. It's embarrassing how .. Girly and dependent I became. How prideless and obviously needy I was of her.
Her father broke her computer and her sister didn't allow her on her computer, so we stopped talking; for a long time. During that time, I began to get anxious.. I guess I'm just.. I felt weird. I was depressed and during the time I began to open my eyes and realized the moron I had became. How much I had dropped on my knees and forgot everything I "was".
I broke up with her. Which I HAVE to add, took a LOT of .. Thinking and preparing on my part. I didn't even know how to say it, how to not mess my friendship up.
She did become a bit cold at first, and the irony is .. As soon as I broke up with her, she was going to tell me that she had spoken to her dad. That's when one of our first "quotes" popped up…
"We have the worst timing ever."
We got back on our feet after I believe a month of not talking. Things pretty much went back to the same, us talking; having fun— Except she had changed and even MORE this time. Instead of pushing me away and being distant, she had .. Became "dark". She spoke about things that were on her mind and opened herself up.
Look, honestly, I've always been a 'goody-two-shoes' .. I don't like drugs, not even pot and I don't enjoy alcohol. I'm not a fan of going to parties and being nuts. It's just not something that ever really went with me, I suppose because I dealt with it in my family and all that.
She was/is. She's more crazy.. Like she said once, there are two types of people: Those that learn by doing and those that watch others and learn by them. I was the second and she was the first.. She has the need to explore, experience.. Meanwhile I try to just avoid those kinds of things and learn by seeing what effect it has on others.
So, yes, the whole .. The way she'd speak when talking about the fun times she had, about how being high was so amazing; the times she had with her friends among other things, weren't a walk in the park for me. It took me a while to get used to it .. I dreaded it at first. I felt weird, I didn't know what to answer.. But I did get better at it. I DID try to understand she's different than I am and I couldn't and WOULDN'T ask her to change those things about her.
It's what made her the person I adored and got along with. But I couldn't help but to see her sink into all of that.. And the image I had of her before was getting blurred and changed by this new her, that told me things like that I was a "monkey" and she was a "human". That .. Jesus, just so many things.
The way she spoke made me feel like she looked down on me. As if I was less than her, like she saw me as some sort of .. Sad moron crawling through life or something. But what most pissed me off, was the way she was taking me for granted.
I recall once, she had just ranted for a while about her life, her day, something like that. It was rather late at night, after 2am; I had a headache and I was doing my very best to not fall asleep and try to pay attention to everything she was saying.
And then, after she finished her rant, she just went offline. The next day all she had to say was:
"Sorry, I was just too lazy to say goodbye."
Another day she left in the middle of our conversation to go to a friend's house and sleep there.. And OTHER times, she'd just say "I'll brb real quick" and take hours just to get back and apologize.
"I got caught up playing piano" she'd say.
When you see someone that means so much to you take you THAT much for granted, it f***ing hurts. So I backed off. I decided to let HER feel how it was to be left aside like that..I wanted her to understand how much it hurt when she'd just get back with excuses like "I was playing with Hida (Her sister's nickname) video games" .. While I would give her all my time.
I found a way.. World of Warcraft. I became obsessed and believe me, whenever I 'get into' that game.. I SERIOUSLY just forget the whole world. But I knew that if I could hear the messenger beep, I'd have the urge to answer. So I would lower the volume, put it on full screen and ignore everyone.
After some time of that, I also became really distant and as cold as I could be with her.
Until she snapped.
It was on December .. She just.. Gosh. She's confusing at times, you barely understand what she's saying because she contradicts herself or makes it feel like she's just saying half of what was on her mind. I understand why she'd do that, I have the same exact thing whenever I feel prideful or have the need to close up or anything.
But, at the end of our conversation, this was basically what she said.. In a summary.
"I do this a lot, I act like a jerk and then I'll apologize and be really nice. But once you apologize and I get bored of you, I'll do it again. It's a cycle .. And it's not going to end."
So I asked her if she meant what I thought— That I was just entertainment. And she said yes. She even spoke about our relationship as if it had been something completely meaningless.
"I don't remember when the f*** I met you or whatever— "
It hurts to hear that, you know?
Here. This is a piece of our conversation.
Achtung! says (2:41 AM):
*you didn't really care that it was me that was talking to you..?
*like it was just like…
*"didi" or "hina" or "kei"
*was talking to youm
*that it was like, nothing "different" anymore,
*like I was no different
*and sooooooAchtung! says (2:42 AM):
*that's why and where the whole
*"I don't even think she deserves my time anymore"
*It was bothering me more than it seemed to be bothering you
*because you had something to fall back to (wow) and I was running out of things to do
*and nothing to destress withAchtung! says (2:43 AM):
*soooooooo that's why I decided to talk to you that day
*and … hm, yeah
*I think that's pretty much it.
*........is that any somewhat more clear..? .__.
Achtung! says (3:12 AM):
*I'd block you again for another few days
*being a complete selfish coward
*and when I finally get bored enough,
*then I'll unblock you
*and try to make you feel bad, and ask again
*"Are we still friends"Achtung! says (3:13 AM):
*or "are you mad at me"
*"should I apologize"
*and I can hardly see the light right now,
*Due to the depth that I'm in – in this hole I'm digging for myself ._.'Achtung! says (3:14 AM):
*(but hey, at least I'm honest)
She tried to (and basically did) convince me that she had used me as entertainment and nothing had meant a s*** to her.
I was hurt for quite some time, felt really bad, I guess it was one of those moments that I'll always think back on as one of those big depressions after a harsh punch in the face.
I couldn't say much to her.. In fact, I didn't even insult her or do anything mean. I just.. Sort of said goodbye and that was it. It bugged me .. Until I logged into her IMVU account and sent her messages to her. I was pretty mean, I guess, I tried to wound her as she had hurt me.
After that, we began exchanging some emails.. Mainly just talking things out. Her saying that she didn't actually mean all of those things and that she didn't even really understand why she had done that. And, I quote, "I just wanted to get a thrill by breaking you down".
She also called me weak, because "I knew you would eventually write to me".
We became friends again.. But soon enough, I just erased and blocked her. She hadn't really done anything bad, I just knew she was having the urge to hurt me again. So I decided to cut her off before she'd do anything.. And this time, she seemed to really regret it. She had written journals in DeviantArt throughout the whole time we didn't talk.. And she sent me several emails.
At the end, I did try to talk to her again.. But I just couldn't. I tried had but you know, I don't think I'm able to forgive that. It still annoys me, it still hurts me— I still miss her. Which is why I am doing this today, writing this here… To a bunch of strangers who probably don't care and won't read. But I needed to remind myself … That it's not as I remember it.
It's funny how we forget what reality is like and just cling onto whatever illusion or image we have of the person and the relationship. We forget the bad things of it .. And sometimes; we forget the good.
I had the urge a while back, before beginning to write this post, to speak to her again. I wanted to .. Send a message to her though I didn't even know what I wanted to say. And you see, this is weird.. I want to be around her but whenever I picture myself actually talking to her; I feel rejection in me, I don't want it.
Even though I was so pissed, so hurt and all that, I never got around rubbing it in her face or being an actual jerk towards her. And some days ago, I couldn't help but to hate the thought that; whatever I had taught her would be forgotten soon. Because it hurts for some time but then it disappears, just like everything else.. And you forget and make the same mistakes all over again. Whatever promises you made to better yourself are forgotten as soon as you numb out the pain.
I hated to think that her lack of posting on DeviantArt meant that she was going back to whatever had changed her in the first place. Then she wrote again, and to add even more irony; she wrote about me. It was something simple, she just admitted to be thinking about me still.
"Three was always a crowd with us" got to me.
I .. Felt happy to know she hadn't seem to go back to her "bad" self again. That she didn't hate me, that..She still remembered me as much as I seem to be remembering her lately.
So this post is to all the memories Krys and I made during that time. All the things I learned; everything that hurt and everything that felt so damn right. I don't regret it.. Though I do wish things had ended differently.. I do wish I could suddenly tell her about the astrology site I found because I remember she was into it the last weeks we spoke.
But things are what they are as we are who we are.. And I know very well that whatever beautiful friendship and relationship we had back then is all a bunch of ashes and memories now.
Still, it was worth reminiscing.