Okay, I'm at the point right now where I just don't want anything that anyone is offering. I need to talk about all the things in my head and.. Just letting whoever might someday read this, it's going to be a looonnnggg rant. Believe me, I'm good at over-writing.
Let's start off my introducing myself real quick. I am currently 17 years old and in a single month, I'll be turning 18. Believe me, you might think this is just another rant more from just ANOTHER depressed teenager. And it probably is. I'm possibly just sitting back and thinking my problem is bigger than it actually is-- Which is why I need to let it out somewhere, I need to write it down; to HEAR it from myself and see just what I can do about it.
My life is not what .. It's not "normal" and I just KNOW a ton of people are going to believe this is bulls*** because, who could not go to school ever since they're 12 and have no problems with their parents for it? Just sit down and hear me out. Believe me, I wouldn't be sitting here and writing this out if I just wanted to say lies.
I'm from Colombia, believe it or not. I moved to USA when I was around 3 years old and have spend half and half my life here and there. When I was 8, however, I moved back from USA to Colombia because my grandfather on my mom's side, was about to die and we wanted to spend his last months with him.
Now, life was a complete disaster for me from then on.. Because Colombia's different from USA. And no, it is NOT what people imagine. We do not sell drugs, we do not sleep in trees; we do not look like indians. The only difference is that here, they're a bit less open-minded and they have different traditions that are just not what I was used to.
Spanish is a difficult language, maybe not THE most difficult one; but definitely not the easiest either. I would get mocked and bothered about my pronunciation and my lack of .. "Knowledge" when it came to talking in spanish and all that. I couldn't even spell "Azul" (blue) correctly. And no, that's not the point why I'm here; I'm just giving in details.
Anyhow, my grandfather died and we moved to another house; one which I had lived in when I was a child. It belonged to my older brother's father .. Who died and gave it to him through his Will. From then on, I began going to school.. And the real hell began.
For a Colombian, I'm a tall girl. 5'8'' .. And back then, I was the tallest girl in my class and, sometimes, THE tallest in my class. So as you can imagine, they constantly bugged me for it. "Godzilla" ... "Eiffel Tower" etc. Because of the constant picking and bothering, I began to act out and become a tomboy (not that I already wasn't a complete boy) .. I began pushing the guys back, kicking them; punching them...
Now I am aware that it wasn't exactly the best solution. But there was this kid in my class, his name was Milthon.. He was the "KING" before I got there. Everyone feared him because he was the tough guy that'd beat people up and be a total jerk. But the first day I met him and he walked up to me trying to be tough and bitchy, I simply got up and stared down at him while I raised my eye brow trying to look intimidating so he'd back off.
It was probably one of the worst mistakes.
Okay, so perhaps I didn't get shoved to the ground, kicked, bruised or anything like it. It wasn't THAT extreme.. It was just the fact that him and another tall kid from the other class would constantly see me as some sort of "other dude" and punch my arm, kick the football directly to my stomach; trip me, etc. And since I began to do it back, it became some sort of "game" to them that actually frightened the hell out of me. I was only 10 or 11 at the time.
I didn't really have any friends during the years of school, because I've always had different interests than them. While they were thinking about video games and the girls (which I never got along with either) were thinking and spying on boys; I was busy thinking about the zodiac signs, angels, god, (No, I am not a religious person) ... Anything I found interesting and actually worth thinking about. That included animes as well..
So the only couple of 'friends' I had, were just kids that would come over and play with the xbox or my Gamecube then bail again when it was finished. It's not that we didn't get along, it's not that they didn't like me or I didn't like them. We did, we could spend a nice time together.. I just didn't really ever feel interested in anything they had to offer and it seemed unfair to me that I would have to always be the one to sit down and listen to them, play their games and see life THEIR way while they'd just shrug off that I was actually bored.
Again, not that I DON'T like video games. I just also enjoyed and still do, a nice chat every now-and-then.
Things didn't get better. Girls would call me a lesbian because I only hung out with boys and boys would.. Well, be boys. I didn't quite "fit in" .. So I would drift off into my own world and ignore everything else around me.In fact, I was so constantly lost in my own head; thinking and being distracted, that they told mom that they needed to take me to the doctor and gt my ears checked. They thought I just couldn't hear them.
I nearly failed the years I studied in that school, I always had to stay the two or three extra weeks after school was over to pick my grades up and not lose the year. I'm not quite sure if that's the way it works in USA, but here people RARELY fail a year in school because they WILL make you make up for whatever you didn't finish and all that.
I was miserable, I was sad, lonely and annoyed. Constantly ranting my problems to my grandma, who'd just sit there with me for hours and hours; talking to me and listening to my problems as well as my mom every now-and-then.
At home, I was also having "family crisis" ... Mom and dad had been fighting a lot lately because they would drink and then start to argue. My sister was visiting us and staying for some time because she was pregnant back then.. So her husband stayed with us, too. Dad and Douglas (my ex brother-in-law) began acting out on mom and my dad. They fought, they'd go to parties or not come home till late at night saying that they had gotten caught up working.. Because they all worked in the same business back then. Running a small park for children and parents to go to.
It had all the things I didn't like. Cows, chickens, ponies .. Etc. All kinds of animals that I didn't appreciate because after living in USA for the most part of my life, I had been brought here to Colombia and then dragged around every weekend to a farm I hated. It smelled weird, had animals making noises at all hours of the morning and most of the night and not to mention the BUNCH of bugs .. Including Scorpions, spiders, mosquitos. Everything.
For a kid that's not used to it and doesn't quite appreciate it, it just meant going to hell every weekend.
The fights ended in the obvious divorce.. But in the wrong date. Just a day before my birthday, September 23rd; dad just didn't come home. Mom was in her room crying about the fight and how they would get divorced.. And the next day was probably the worst birthday I have had. Awkward family reunion with mom, my dad and grandma while my little brother Sebastian was too little to even understand what was going on.
I felt hopeful dad would return eventually, and mom did go to his house and plead for hours that he would; but he never did. It's been 5 years already.
Shortly after, about a month or two; dad got a new girlfriend. Her name is Johanna and she still is with him.. We consider she is his wife now. Because of that, mom began saying that dad had always had a girlfriend and that it was the real reason why he had left her.. So she decided to move with us to another city: Bogota, the capital of Colombia.
My brother Jp lived there already and I was actually pretty excited about the change of weather because it would be cold and rainy instead of hot and disgustingly sunny.
Once I moved, I didn't go to school anymore. First, it was because we had no money. You see, in Colombia, it's not free like in United States.. And if you want to go to a decent school; you'll pay quite a lot. Mom was having financial problems back then, so I didn't go.. And when I COULD go, I didn't pass the exam I had to pass in order to be accepted in the school. Because I didn't have tutoring, because I never paid attention in school and because I had forgotten everything I had learned the previous year. Now, I'm going to be honest. I know my mom made a mistake by leaving me without education for so, so long. I've gone to school only a SINGLE year since I was 12.
Anyhow, since I didn't go to school and I usually lived in a building, I had no friends. No way of having "human contact" with other children and since I was already a shy girl; I decided to just stay home and bound with my little brother.
He is 6 years younger than me.. But we rarely really fought. Since it was just him, me and mom; we would depend on each other a lot to stay entertained, stay happy and not feel lonely. We developed a huge and really amazing relationship, being able to talk to each other freely; me sitting down with him and playing with our toys for hours or video games while "role playing" as if we were the characters of the television.
I always enjoyed making stories and he would enjoy watching them unravel as we played with dolls and stuffed animals.We would stay up hours and hours playing and just simply having fun, no obligations; no nothing.
But I was still depressed. I missed my dad, mom was drinking a lot and I began to miss my friends.. I read not long ago in a diary entry I made once, this phrase that left me thinking.
"I know I always complained about my friends and I'm sorry God. I promise not to if you give them back"
How naive, huh?..
..At some point, I found this program called "BearShare" where you could download music people would put up and chat with other people. I never had interest in chatting with strangers because I was completely paranoid and scared about what would happen if I actually did. The constant image of pedophiles and murders trying to get me to leave the house so they could rape and kill me, was enough for me to stay away.
One day, however, this guy from the same city as me, sent me a message. I asked mom permission before speaking to him and she told me to be very careful; and so I was.
We began talking for some time and it didn't take long before I had created a messenger account for myself and added all of the friends I had finally got. It was my only way of having contact with people that were around my age, that felt the same way I felt; spoke the same things I was interested in.
Basically, so this doesn't end up too extremely long, I ended up dating Juan David. We spent 5 months talking through messenger and the phone, for hours and hours. Things would actually get pretty boring because, at some point, you would start running out of things to talk about. So, we met.
He was really handsome, we dated and began meeting each other more and more often.. But it never changed from my house. We'd be in my condo and walk around the football field or in the small gathering place the neighborhood had, but I never accepted to go out on a date with him and never got the chance to go to his house.
My relationship with Jd was a complete mess. He wanted and needed too much love and I felt weird giving it. I didn't like calling him "Honey" or .. "Love" and specially not things like "Baby". I didn't feel comfortable saying I loved him first nor calling him myself until he called me or told me to call him. So he continued to pressure me until I ended up actually doing some of those things but yet it wasn't enough.
He'd visit me.. And we'd make out. I wasn't exactly into it most of the time, I didn't quite enjoy how he'd always have the urge to hold me or stay too close. We are who we are, right? I had the right to not want to be too .. Touched.
While my relationship was completely failing with him, I was fighting with my father every day through the phone. Because he hated that I wasn't going to school, he didn't like that I spent all my night awake on the computer chatting with strangers and he DESPISED the thought of me being bisexual; which I had found out long after I turned 13.
The fights got so intense that he and I no longer talk over the phone, because it pisses me off. Because we do not and never will agree.. So for some years now, the only contact we have; is through Facebook, sending each other messages.
There were two things happening in my life at the time, one on the internet; and the other in real life.
Internet: I had just found this program called "Second Life", a virtual world where I would get to interact with people. I did. I spent some time claiming I was 24 years old and taking the identity of my sister Michelle.. I met a lot of people and .. Did a lot of things because I was 'curious'. Yes, I cybered with 20+ old men because I wanted to know what it was like; how life as an adult felt. Thanks to that, I got also the chance to remember English and learn again how to write properly.
In real life.. I eventually broke up about thee times with JD until we finally got to make it forever. After the first time, he became "emo" .. Which is the first time ever that I knew what it was. We got back together because he came over and showed me a mark on his arm of a heart he had carved on his skin. The wound wasn't deep; it was just as if he had poked at his skin enough to irritate it and leave a temporary "tattoo" ..
It still freaked me out, I still felt extremely guilty and so; I got back together with him. However, nothing really important happened, we broke up, I stopped talking to dad on the phone, mom continued to drink a bit TOO much.. And I was beginning to become distant from Sebastian. Though it wasn't entirely, we still hung out and all, but I spent most of my time on the computer.
Now, some time later, I got sick and tired of Second Life because it seemed like no one there was ever happy. If it wasn't work, it was love, it was their children; financial situation, etc. I was too little to want to hear all those problems and have to come up with (or at least try to) ideas on how they could get through their problems or cheer them up.
So, I moved on to "IMVU". Another virtual world but made for people that were my age. From then on what I would call "life", begun.
At the age of 13/14, everything in your life is dramatic. Every small problem seems like it has the power to bring your life into pieces and leave nothing of it. You over react to everything, exaggerate when it comes to feelings and get disappointed pretty easily. That's exactly what happened to me.
I had a couple of friends there for some time and began seeing cosplayers and hearing about animes. Naruto, Inuyasha, Death Note; you name it. In order to "fit in", I had to learn about them, understand them, watch them... And to be honest, I really love animes.
Now, in the virtual world; there were small groups people would make and role play as the characters of the show. The very first group I was in, was about "Akatsuki" .. Which are the bad guys in Naruto, though I did not know that. So, I played along with them and began learning about the characters and the story.
These are some things that make me feel like certain things happen for a reason. Why? Because I didn't understand about the anime, I had only watched a couple of episodes. They didn't role play, the 'leader' was always offline and the only single thing that was important about it, is that I met two guys: Keith and Scott.
It wasn't long before they became my "IMVU brothers" .. I became specially close to Keith since Scott was usually away. Now, I made a mistake back then.. I left all my friends out and gave all my time to Keith. We spoke from the moment he got back from school at around 1-2 pm till sometimes up to 3am .. Just talking about random things; having small dramas with people we knew, etc.
After some months; I had became totally devoted to him. I adored him and he protected me, made me feel like I was in the right place and at the right time. Unfortunately, mom had planned a little trip to a place called "Cartagena" which is basically an island.. That and "San Andres".
The trip didn't last a week as normal ones do, no. It lasted for a whole month.
Since I was nervous about it, because I knew I wouldn't have any way of contacting him or any of my friends; I told Keith to promise me he wouldn't get another sister nor would he hook up with any girl. I suppose the real reason behind that was a girl that had been after him for some months now, a friend of mine. (Remember I was 13-14, so please understand the ridiculous and pride crushing situation.. )
The month was horrible. As I made it clear before, I hate hot places; I do not enjoy the sun and to be honest .. Being on a beach, seeing the ocean and the sand for every damn day wasn't what I would call a vacation. I didn't want to be there, I had no one to talk to, no internet, no television; NOTHING. Just video games and drunk family members.
My mom, my older brother, older sister, our nephew, Sebastian, my older brother's boyfriend (Yes, he's gay) and I don't remember who else was on the trip. All I know is, they were constantly drunk and I had to babysit while having absolutely nothing to do.
I hated it, despised it.
Not to mention, back then, we didn't know I was lactose intolerant.. So whenever they ordered food; I would spend the night throwing up for hours or going to the bathroom constantly. This issue had begun even since I was in school, and all along; everyone thought it was my way of .. 'Releasing stress'. I was even sent to the school psychologist when they thought I was having a breakdown and then called me a liar for 'feeling sick too often'. Yeah, thanks to that month trip; we finally realized that lactose = vomit.
Once I returned, nothing had changed between me and my friends. In fact, I was excited to see that Keith and I were getting along even MORE. Unfortunately, I began getting bored and ended up 'getting married' online to this other dude.. And from then on, Keith randomly ignored me, became distant and was a complete jerk.
I was completely devastated and extremely emotional and depressed.. I turned 15, got a laptop and well; things with Keith never really got any better. Months later I found out that the only reason he had became mean to me was because I had "broken the promise".
I have to say, it's damn immature of him. He was 3 years older than me and still acted like a moron instead of simply telling me it. I felt like a loser and sad, cried and whined for the possible whole next year and barely got over him. I apologized a million times and now-a-days; we do not speak anymore. It's been over a year now.
Anyhow, because of that, I met other people.. And I might make this part short because it is long, dramatic, pride crushing and complicated. I was with a lot of "boyfriends" online, skipped from one to the next within a week, but no relationship ever lasted... Until I met Kei. See, I thought "he" was a boy and turned out to be a girl.. And also my longest relationship so far. (Which might end up in second longest if I survive this month with my girlfriend.. )
The thing is, there was a lot of drama between Rose, Kei and me. I met Rose when I met Cross and Louis.. But back then, they were a small group which ... Well.
Rose - In love with Cross.
Cross - Immature moron that hadn't grown up.
Louis - In love with Rose.
Rose - Doesn't love Louis and manipulates them to get what she wants.
What do I mean by manipulating? I mean saying she was her cousin and that 'Hinata' (that was her character and the way we would call her), was committing suicide. I knew it was bulls***, so I told them.. And a few months later, she told us her name was Rose; completely forgetting that was the 'cousin's name.
Anyhow, I ended up getting her kicked out of the group and hated. I then dated Cross and then Louis.. But she returned. Oddly enough, she became my best friend after that; though I still caught her in a lie every now-and-then.. Her claiming to be people in pictures that wasn't her. Silly lies.
Cross, Louis and us stopped talking and left only me and Rose. Shortly after, she invited me to a role play group she had, because we had met through role play .. So I entered.
A guy she liked, Kei, was there. A Naruto and she was Hinata.. She was flirting with him and told me to stay away and not date him. I promised I wouldn't-- In fact, I was an evil character that I myself had made up. She was cocky, bitchy, arrogant, prideful.. Screamed and cussed too much. All I wanted was to have fun making people miserable in the rp.. Well, their characters; not the actual people.
Unfortunately, Kei fell for me and a huge drama came up. My friendship with Rose survived, she forgave me. It didn't quite go that well between her and Kei; which stopped talking regardless of how many times I tried to get them to be friends again. Up until this day; they detest each other.
My relationships went from Rose to Kei a couple of times because .. Kei offered love, support, understanding. Rose offered passion, constantly renewed relationship .. And constant role play; which is something I have always loved.
In the end, I chose Rose.
Kei is still in love with me after 3 years..
However, I .. Love Rose a lot and next month will be our 9th month together. I actually skipped a lot.. Like all the people I met when she and I broke up; which is another big ass drama. I also went to United states and had a horrible time there TOO .. But I.. Think I'll skip it and save myself from writing too much. I'm getting tired, it's been over an hour..
I had a friend during that time, Chris. She became my gf for some time, then hurt me and .. Well, she was actually pretty mean. The only subjects she'd talk about would be murder, drugs, cutting ... and all of those things I just don't really appreciate.
I lost her as a friend because I couldn't handle being around her after one of the fights we had. She openly admitted to "tearing me apart" on purpose and, I quote, "for my entertainment".
Anyhow, I got a new friend; which was Rose's best friend. Thanks to her, she and I got together again 8 months ago. We became best friends, but for the last 2 months, I have been keeping a wall between her and me ... Because I couldn't stand her constant negative conversations. Everything was bad.. At fist we'd speak about lots of subjects, but in the end it was becoming a burden. It was driving me insane, making me feel even more weight than I needed; bringing me down.
Kei .. Well, I've kept her away, too. But because she always makes everything awkward as soon as she obsessively starts talking about our relationship and how much he hates Rose or reminiscing about our past and it makes it awkward.
I did the same mistake I did with Keith: I blocked everyone out, devoting my time to Rose and ONLY her.
There is a single problem:
I adore her, I love her. We get along great, she knows me very well and we've had our rough patches but we've gotten through. Unfortunately, as you might've been able to tell already, I have issues trusting her. Because she constantly pretends to be offline busy while she's making videos and well, it's a long story.
The point is, it's tiring to constantly be checking her FB, her Twitter, DeviantArt and Youtube wanting to know what the hell is she up to. If her computer really broke or if she's saying a lie. If she's really busy or if she was just hanging out with her friends and all that.
And it's not that she's taking time for herself that utterly frustrates me. It's just the simple fact that she lies about it.
So now, I'm pretty much in a dead end. I .. My best friend moved on to real life after a month or two of being lonely and bored. I will not ask her to start coming online again for my sake; I'd rather she just does whatever she feels like doing. Kei left yesterday also because she was frustrated over the same reason: Coming online and not seeing anyone waiting for her.
I'm .. Tired of my girlfriend' behavior and soon enough, next month; she'll be going to school.. Which reduces our time with each other back to only 4 hours a day. It won't hold enough to keep a relationship of long distance through internet, alive.
Those were the only people left I had to talk to, and no, it's not as simple as going to IMVU and getting new ones because .. AS YOU CAN TELL, I have a .. "Different" taste. I like people I relate to and there aren't many that like what I like.
I can't go to school because .. Well, Jp's trying to go to college and Sebastian really needs to go to school. That's two big bills there for mom, plus helping my sis that got divorced and is half ass broke plus MY school? Nah. She always says this year we'll go, and we never do.
It's a lot to explain; I simply feel like I've reached a dead end. But for what it's worth.. I got to tell part of my story and I feel a bit less frustrated. Thank you for listening, and yes, I know. I'm just another whiny teenager.
**As much as I appreciate anyone trying to give me advice, thank you, but no. This isn't the rant of my problems, this was merely me talking about all the things I could think about that annoyed me, that made me feel like I have been trapped. I know that my problem can be solved by "getting a job and paying for school" .. "Going out" .. "Stop being a nerd" yes, I know and appreciate the support. But please keep the comments to yourself; because honestly, my life's a mess, not as bad as it could be and it would be solved with some determination. But you can't run a car if you have no fuel. **